The Tick Tock of Time

It's arrived. Our Grandfather clock. I am... ecstatic and sad at the same time.

Ellicia and I had always wanted a really nice souvenir of our time in Germany. Something more than the standard postcard or beer stein.

Luckily for us, the Black Forest region of Deutschland is renown for it's clock making. Much like the Swiss, I suppose.

We found a family that has been in the clock making business for hundreds of years. I remember visiting their home and seeing clocks older than America, and still ticking.

I also remember visiting their showroom. They had a barn/garage type building in their backyard. The showroom was on the second floor. Narrow stairs. And Ellicia was determined to get up there. And she did!

We spent the next hour and some shopping around. We picked out all of the details that we thought would help summarize our time, and ended up with quite a few details of the Schloss Neuschwanstein.

The clock is handmade, to custom specifications. It's expensive, and in fact, more than we ever thought we'd spend on a souvenir. But, we also knew we'd likely never be back to Germany. Besides, all we needed to do was make a small downpayment (to secure the order), and then over the next years, we could pay whenever we liked - no interest or nonsense. And the clock would be made when the money was final.

That was right before we left.

When Ellicia passed away, I felt a very strong desire to no longer wait for the clock. Years didn't seem to be a right timeframe. So, I dashed the full balance off to him (thank you, Ellicia, for the life insurance). It had to clear customs and of course there were freight charges (all told, another 50% of the original value), and then there was bickering between the shipper and the customs agent on who was to hire the truck to bring it to the house (took 6 weeks, till finally I had enough and told them to just hire the $!@ truck).

It came. Truck delivered it as far as the driveway. It was a huge crate. 500+ pounds. So, I enticed some nice neighbors to help carry it in. I did some crate breaking -- after unscrewing 49 long screws... yes, I counted them. We hauled it in. Stood it up. And then, as we all know from the wee hours before Christmas morning...

Some Assembly Required

Had hang the weights, the pendulum, set the time, and calibrate the workings.

And now, it chimes. It can do three different tunes, and even has a Night option. It's beautiful.

And once it was all set up, I stopped, and sat down in front of it... and just started talking to Ellicia. Told her how nice it looked, and what a good job she did in helping to pick out the details. How beautiful it sounds when it chimes. And the details and the workmanship. Very impressed.

It's the last piece to arrive from Germany. There's nothing more to arrive. And it's the last thing we truly picked out together. What was only to be a memento of our time in Germany has become more a memento of our time.

Blocked

It's been four weeks since I've written.

It's not for lack of material, nor desire. I have had plenty I've wanted to write down. Sadly, every time I sit and try to peck it out... I become stuck.

Nothing comes out.

And so, it's been silent here for a month.

I'm hoping the blockage will come to an end... soon.

Until then, I suppose I'll up my blogging fiber intake.

Confidential (Again)

HB TWD!

Timing

I was getting ready to go to bed. Started to turn off the TV, and instead flipped. First channel I flipped to, one I never watch, was ABC Family. Apparently it was in the middle of Steel Magnolias. The graveyard scenes.

So touching.

And felt like it was me, right there...

And good to hear.


Sigh.

*

Confidential

If you're reading this and smiling to yourself, then this post was for you... Otherwise, you probably have no idea what I'm up to.

Life, Restarted

Went back to work this week.

I say back to work, as if I'd ever actually been able to start there in the first place.

I hadn't even had but one day in uniform since we'd arrived in Virginia. So, it's hard to say it's "back to work".

However, it's back to work.

They've given me two jobs. One, I'll be a clerk in one of the schoolhouse HQ offices. The other job will have me be the Driver for the schoolhouse Command Sergeant Major, Colonel, and other Distinguished Visitors (as required).

Very intense and intimidating for little ol' me, but then, I've been in similar situations. So, guess I'll just suck it up and drive on.


In other news, apparently I'm up for reenlistment. My job category is "overstrength", so it's a golden opportunity for me to make a change. So far, I'm looking at either a Personnel Clerk (not the best choice, but it IS an area I excel in), Satellite Communications Technician/Operator, or Radiology Technician (you know, like X-rays at the hospital - which I like, because maybe I can find a way to help women getting scanned for Cancer or something). It'll mean school (the good ones are about half a year long - no kids). It also means putting the next paragraph...

Apparently I'm ready for promotion too. But, got a bit of a way to go there. Have to get myself back into Army physical condition, and ooooh, isn't that fun. But, working hard at it. Need to get that promotion. More $$$, etc. Of course, if you read the previous paragraph, have to let it wait a bit till the reclassification can go through. (See, if I get promoted, my opportunities for reclassification drop dramatically.)

Oh, and I'm also on the list to attend the Enlisted NCO Leadership schools (no, not an NCO yet, but on the list to attend). First one is 4 weeks... at some base, no one knows where. But, it's out there.

Always said, when people asked how the Army was letting me spend the time with Ellicia... that when it was over, the Army would be waiting, and would come for me hot and heavy. And so it is... The Army has been waiting, and now, it's time to be a Soldier again.

Tired of battles...

Maybe some peace somewhere in the world would be nice.

One Month

It's been one month. None of this makes any sense to me.

Part of the day was routine and normal, as it always would have been.
Another part was aching with her absence.

And then there's parts where it's like she's not gone, and I almost expect to hear her voice at any moment. Maybe the phone will ring, or... I'll walk into the bedroom, and she'll be there. Or even that wonderful smile as she waits for me to help her with the bathroom...

Sigh.

One month. She's gone. Or, is she? I believe she's around. She did promise to haunt me.

I miss her.

Memorial Week (NASA)

This is the time of year when it's a time for memorials at NASA.

27 January is the anniversary of the Apollo/Saturn 204 fire tragedy. This was the first time that the program had lost astronauts in their vehicle. There they were, in the spacecraft, wearing spacesuits, and no one saw it coming. Forty years ago...

28 January is the anniversary of the Challenger accident. This was caught on TV and burned into our consciousness as a nation. Spaceflight was becoming routine... what could go wrong? Twenty-one years ago...

01 February is the anniversary of the Columbia loss. They were on their way home, and we all thought there was nothing that could go wrong. Four years ago...

Throughout history, the future is discovered by those bold enough to venture into the unknown. And sadly, throughout history, many of our lessons on how to venture safely are written in the blood of those who've gone before us.

And the most amazing thing about us is this: Everyone can see the blood spilled before; everyone can see the danger of the unknown (or sometimes the not knowing of the danger); And we STILL find people to venture into the unknown and to make the unknown known.

Which perhaps is the best Honor paid to those who've taught us where the dangers are... learning the lesson and moving forward.

Apollo/Saturn 204 ("Apollo 1")
Virgil "Gus" Grissom
Edward White, II
Roger Chaffee

STS-51L Challenger
Frances "Dick" Scobee
Michael J. Smith
Judith Resnick
Ellison Onizuka
Ronald E. McNair
Gregory Jarvis
Christa McAuliffe

STS-107 Columbia
Rick D. Husband
Willie McCool
Michael Anderson
Kalpana Chawla
David Brown
Laurel Clark
Ilan Ramon

A Star in the Heavens

An Angel sent me the most remarkable surprise. Seems she registered a Star in Ellicia's name. A package came from International Star Registry. Yes, I know, it's not "real". Hundreds of years from now, astronauts won't be navigating to the "Ellicia" Star system. But, it's very real, to me.

The constellation Orion was a special set of stars to us. Whenever we were separated, we'd always look out for Orion and feel connected to each other again. We always knew we'd be looking at the same set of stars.

Orion was also the first time I felt Ellicia. I had been so frustrated. It'd been either cloudy or a full moon the nights since she'd died. Felt truly lost not being able to see Orion. Disconnected.

And then, driving solo back to South Carolina to bury her... and it was still cloudy. Even rain. I talked to her the whole way down, and halfway through North Carolina, I was crying and screaming in frustration...

... and the clouds parted. I looked to my left, and immediately, the first stars I saw (and amazingly, the only stars) were Orion. I looked to my right, and felt a calm, and could almost see, and more or less sense, her sitting there, grinning back to me as she often would when we were on our frequent long drives (be it to travel or to go to a doctor). All felt right again.

And five minutes later, it was cloudy. And rainy. And I felt ok.

We'll always have Orion... and I can always look to the stars (especially the one named Ellicia) to guide me.

I miss you, Ellica. *

(And cloudy nights suck.)

Four Weeks

Today marks four weeks since Ellicia passed away. Wow, time seems to have both flown and stood still.

I'm not yet comfortable with things. I'm not comfortable, for example, with how smoothly some parts of life have resumed.

I'm not comfortable with the idea that there are parts of our life that already seem to be fuzzier and harder to remember. You know how it is, without a constant refreshing of the memory, it becomes less distinct.

I'm not comfortable. None of this feels right. Which is surprising since it was, in most respects, expected.

We knew this was coming. It was unavoidable. We thought we were prepared. And as she told me repeatedly, she knew she had the easy part.

I'm scared. In so many ways. Scared of the future. Scared of forgetting the past. Scared that I won't live up to her expectations of me. Scared I'll let her down.

I know she's around. I can't touch her, can't see her, but I feel her presence. That one is hard to explain, but for a cynic such as myself, I never feel silly talking to her, and showing her things going on.

We always said that her hospital stays and long bed rests were "practice" and "training". It wasn't enough. I can't imagine being properly prepared, but we somehow thought we were ready.

Sigh.

I wish there was a way to avoid all of this. I look back, and think back to when I was standing in my uniform at the altar. My Heart swelling and beating faster as the woman of my dreams and the Love of my Life walked down the aisle. She was BEAUTIFUL! And standing there, as we went through our vows, I admit, I never conceived that they'd be "tested" so soon.

Our marriage was sadly brief - only 2 and a half years. During that time, we were separated three months waiting for her to join me in Germany, six months for deployment, various weeks for field exercises, and then we had the thirteen and some months of dealing with Cancer. It certainly wasn't a "normal" marriage. It was filled with roller coaster rides up and down.

Never saw that coming. We always envisioned such a long life together. If anything, we figured that I would be the one to die early... being in the Army during this time of war. The odds were against me, surely, but not her.

I always saw a life with her, not without her.

This doesn't feel right at all.

I miss you, Ellicia.

The Upcoming Year

It scares me. Terrifying. Dread.

Part of what's bothering me is that all of the numbers are so low.

K's eighth birthday is Tuesday (the 23rd).

Valentine's Day... could be happy if it just didn't happen this year.

T's second birthday is in March.

Ellicia's fortieth birthday would be in May.

Our third anniversary was this year. (And I reread this post again, and was saddened. Sigh)

And M's fifth birthday comes in November (on Cancer day).

And then, there's Thanksgiving, Christmas without Mommy, and New Year's Eve (which will never be the same again.)

I'd like to just skip this year. Is that possible? Ellicia always told me that she had the easier path, and worried for me... She knew. Such Love.

Soldiers' Angels

Soldiers' Angels. This is a widespread, loosely-organized group of individuals representing a cross-strata of America (and beyond).

What do they do? They support the Soldiers. They do so with more than words or a yellow magnet (though those are appreciated). They don't do it for their own ego. In fact, SAngels will send care package after care package, without ever receiving, nor expecting, a response.

What perhaps makes SA so incredible, though is their persistence, adaptability, and seemingly unending desire and capablility to give.

I doubt you'll find many units that have deployed and not enjoyed the presence of a Soldiers' Angel watching over them.

As for me, my own experience with SA continues to boggle my comprehension and appreciation. SA came into my world when I was in Afghanistan. I'd heard of Soldiers' receiving care packages, and was pleasantly pleased when I began to reap the bennies as well. It was great!

But then, the most amazing thing began to occur... Soldiers' Angels began spread their wings over our family. One of the Angels heard how Ellicia was home with three children in Germany. And to our astonishment, Ellicia began to receive care packages. And the children, too!

(As they say on TV) But wait, there's more.

As readers of the blog know, I was brought home due to Ellicia's cancer. I was no longer in Afghanistan, and quite honestly, I no longer expected to hear from the SA. After all, there were troops STILL there and I wasn't.

Wrong.

Soldiers' Angels wrapped their wings around us ever closer.

Over the next year, the phenomenon continued. And expanded. In ways that astound me, SA would ensure that the children's birthdays were ok, down to party materials (being that Illesheim is not known for its vast shopping resources). Christmas, and all the days in between... SA never let up.

And now, in Virginia, after Ellicia's passing, surely now SA would find another Soldier?

No. I cannot begin to express my thanks to Soldiers' Angels. In these first few weeks, SA has sent flowers. SA has offered help, and then, more importantly backed away for a few weeks to give me time to sort things out. SA patiently waited. One of the Angels, who's been with me since Afghanistan, FLEW here for the weekend. The trip had originally been planned to visit both Ellicia and I, but it became something else.

And the Angels in Virginia even came around some more. One of the local Angels, whom I never met before, but suspet I'm going to get to know very well, offered her entire weekend to babysit the children so this Angel and I could visit together. Very kind.

And other Angels are waiting in the wings. Some just to talk, some to help unpack, some to teach me cook, and others in ways not yet discovered.

I suspect Soldiers' Angels will always be part of our life, and I can't think of anything better than to have Angels in one's life.



Soldiers' Angels... they don't receive enough thanks, attention, and kudos. And they don't seek it, which makes them even more remarkable.

I look forward to one day being in a position to pay this forward. Until then, please, support the Soldiers' Angels. They are remarkable and deserving, and you'll never hear them brag about it.

Beaufort National Cemetery

Beaufort National Cemetery is a beautiful place.

I remember it from when I was a kid. I used to go to Beaufort, SC often to visit my grandmother who lived there.

Beaufort is a quiet town, going back a few hundred years. The cemetary goes back to the War Between the States.

It's small, certainly no Arlington, but distinguished by its solemnity and peacefulness.

There's a wonderful touch of Old World to it... oak trees, cypresses... is beautiful.

More Pictures from Visitation

As you'll recall from the header, this site is first off, a diary. So, please bear with me while I save some more pictures from the visitation. Some are of Ellicia in her coffin, and may be uncomfortable for some to view.

These pictures show the layout of the visitation. It was a very long room, and Ellicia was at the far end of it. Around the room, we placed the posters of Ellicia and they guided towards the casket. Around the casket, we placed the flowers that were there.

The flowers included flowers from my unit, from family, and flowers that Annette and I did... including the Asterisk. You can also see the three balloons from each of the kids - they said "I Love You" on them.

The flower in the shape of a heart is from the three kids and I. The one in the shape of a star is from Annette. And Annette chose the casket spray.

Memorial to SGT Ross

When I was in Afghanistan, we lost a chopper and we lost someone from our unit. In the post I wrote at the time, I referred to Fred. Well, "Fred" was SGT Ken Ross I called him "Fred" due to OpSec, but he was a friend..

SGT Ross had been attached into our unit from a sister unit. When he died, his original unit didn't do anything for them (perhaps because their base was closing, but still...).

Some very fine folks in my unit at Illesheim did a wonderful thing. They ensured that a memorial was done for SGT Ross. It is the nicest memorial on the base, nestled with many others in the base's memorial park.

The day before we flew, I took some time to stop by the memorial, and give SGT Ross one last salute. I also took some pictures of the memorial.

(By the way... if you look super closely at the first picture, you can see Ellicia sitting in the car waiting for me. That was our BMW that we had in Germany.)

Cancer Deaths Drop for 2nd Straight Year

Excellent news! We must continue our fight against this disease.

Do you know what struck me the most about this article? It wasn't the drop, nor the tinge of regret that it'd dropped and Ellicia isn't part of the drop.

The numbers.

Yes, the decrease was 3,014 fewer deaths than the previous year. But worse, we're averaging over half a million men, women, and children dying to this disease in its various forms.

Half a million. Each year.

Think about it.

Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation - Donate Today (They have a memorials page)

American Cancer Society - There are many forms of cancer.

The Children Say Goodbye

I have some pictures of when T and M said their good-byes to Mommy.

There's not a whole lot to add to the pictures, but one thing.

T isn't really talking yet. He is a little behind the curve to begin with since he started the first few months of his life deaf. Factor in the humongous stress the family has been through, and it is understandable.

That said, you'll see in the bottom picture, where my Dad is holding him up... Dad is starting to lose it. The reason is: When T leaned in... he kissed E and then waved to her and said, "Bye-bye".

It brought tears to all of our eyes... so sweet... I don't think I'll ever forget T saying good-bye like that.

Children grasp more than we ever give them credit for.

Waggles

It's a little late, but I'd like to introduce Waggles.

Waggles was Ellicia's stuffed dog. She had Waggles ever since she was about four. Waggles went with her everywhere. It went with her in the car... when she went to college, Waggles went, too. When I met her, Waggles was there, though admittedly, up high away from the reach of Kira. And, at the hospital, Waggles would keep her company.

Waggles sat with her as she passed.

And, Waggles will keep her company forever.

It was hard to put Waggles into the casket, though. I had a whole week to spend with Waggles, and truthfully, Waggles was never far from me. Came with ME wherever I went. Was a tangible hold onto something that was undeniably Ellicia.

But, she had specifically asked. I remember, we'd talked before, and she'd always said, "No, Waggles should be kept somewhere safe." But, about a week before she died, I asked again what she wanted me to do with Waggles. She said she wanted Waggles with her. At which, Waggles then said, "Nooooooo, please don't make me go into the box! Please, please... I don't wanna go... It'll be daaaaarrrrrrrkkkkk." :)

Poor Waggles. Never was wild about the idea, but he went bravely into the box.

Miss Waggles.

In the pictures, you may even note the permanent crook in Waggles where she'd snuggled up with him for decades...

The Asterisk

The Asterisk

There was one particular flower arrangement at the funeral which was distinctive, and unusual. Had a few comments.

It was from me.

I had it specially done for Ellicia. And, at the end, when they placed the casket in the grave, I instructed that it be placed on top of the casket before the dirt was filled in. All other flowers were placed on the ground after the grave was redressed.

So, what was this arrangement?

Well, when ellicia and I first started what would become our relationship, it was through internet chat.

Some of you may know that, before Yahoo added all of the smileys and such, you could often show a kiss by:

*

Later on, when we were together, perhaps in public, or stressed, or just having a moment, we would trace the asterisk on the hand of the other. I can recall quite a few times when I might be stressed, and I'd feel her finger gently tracing the asterisk. When she was in the hospital, I'd trace it to her.

And, as she was dying and at her death, I traced it.

During the visitation, and when it was time to close the casket, I caught myself standing there, talking to others, holding her hand, tracing the asterisk.

The last time I touched the casket, I poured some dirt on the casket, and traced the asterisk in it.

It's even drawn on her head in magic marker (I'll explain in another post).

So, it was something special.

And the flowers?

The Memorial Video

For the funeral visitation, I had a video made. I knew that Ellicia's appearance in the coffin would be a shock, especially for people who'd not seen her in awhile.

I'd had six of the pictures blown up to poster size and placed around the room, to help balance and prepare for the coffin at the far end.

And on the exact opposite end as the coffin, there was a large tv playing the dvd of this video:

Obituaries: Updated

Previously, I'd posted the obituary list here. Well, "Stars & Stripes" finally printed E's obituary.

It's in the 14 January European Edition. It's page 36, in the Classifieds.

It's a tad late, but we wanted it in the "Stars & Stripes" since we'd spent so much time in Germany.

Readings at the Service

I'll fill in some more details later, but I want to get down the Bible verses that I had selected for the funeral service.

The service was Episcopalian, which is a fairly structured service. Of course, Ellicia and I must beg to be different. The way the service goes (like many churches), is that there's an Old Testament reading, a New Testament reading, and a Gospel reading.

Well, I had some verses in mind, and that were truly appropriate. Unfortunately, there were more verses than slots in the service. I inquired about doing extra readings, and they said, "Well, it's not normally done... in fact, can't recall it ever being done, but... sure."

So, here are the selections. I'm sure when you read them you'll recognize some of the reasons they were chosen. (All quotations are NIV version. You can click the link at the top or here for other versions.)

Isaiah 40:29-31

29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Revelation 7:13-17

13Then one of the elders asked me, "These in white robes—who are they, and where did they come from?"

14I answered, "Sir, you know."

And he said, "These are they who have come out of the great tribulation; they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb. 15Therefore,
"they are before the throne of God
and serve him day and night in his temple;
and he who sits on the throne will spread his tent over them.
16Never again will they hunger;
never again will they thirst.
The sun will not beat upon them,
nor any scorching heat.
17For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd;
he will lead them to springs of living water.
And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."

II Corinthians 4:16-5:7

16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Corinthians 5
Our Heavenly Dwelling
1Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. 2Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, 3because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. 4For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. 5Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

John 11:21-26

21"Lord," Martha said to Jesus, "if you had been here, my brother would not have died. 22But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask."

23Jesus said to her, "Your brother will rise again."

24Martha answered, "I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day."

25Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; 26and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?"

Grave Marker Inscription

Today was my deadline for customizing Ellicia's grave marker.

The VA provides a free marker. Being a government issued marker, it's very simple and plain. It will have her name, date of birth, "the Dash", and date of death. And her relationship to me.

I have a choice of religious symbol (easy choice) and an inscription.

The inscription can be fifteen characters. That includes spaces, symbols, whatever. Imagine your standard government form with the fifteen boxes.

I've said it to others, I truly never want to hear anyone complain about writing a speech or a term paper... Until you've tried to sum up someone's life in fifteen characters... it's amazingly difficult.

They give you some examples:

"Beloved Wife"
"Beloved Mother"
"Loved By All"
"I Did It My Way" (for Sinatra fans)
"Unforgettable" (Nat King Cole is represented as well)
"Gone Fishing" (don't ask)
"Gone Home"
you get the idea

Ellicia was a beloved wife, mother, and daughter. Hmmm, can't fit all that in 15 spaces. Was truly stumped. Because, as much as we often say, "... well, it's not set in stone...", THIS would be.

And yesterday, it hit me. Hard. And I chewed it around some, and decided it'd work.

TREASURED LOVE

It works. On many levels.

Ellicia treasured love.
Ellicia WAS a treasured love.
Ellicia's love WAS treasured.
And so on.

Perfect.

A lifetime in fifteen characters.

Amazing Poem

This was sent to me:

When I thought I had your heart to keep forever.
(Forever)
Now I live with how it is, nothing lasts, never.
(Never)
I'm never in a place with too much time, try to leave my troubles far behind.
Everything I did, I did for you.
Now there's nothing left for me to do.
I'm never gonna fall in love again, the way I love you.

You know it's so damn hard letting go...

Standing here, holding my heart in my hands
Yes, I am...
Trying to live every day the best I can.
You know it's so damn hard letting go...of you.

Every day's a brand new start of a pain never ending.
(Never ending)
I can't erase this lonely heart that keeps on remembering.
(Remembering)
Every day I live, I live with you, and with all the things we'll never do.
Heaven holds a place for souls like mine.
Try to leave my troubled past behind.

You know it's so damn hard letting go...

Standing here, holding my heart in my hands
Yes, I am...
Trying to live every day the best I can.
You know it's so damn hard letting go (so damn hard letting go)
You know it's so damn hard letting go...of you.

Wow. Perfect. You can listen to it here.

Funeral

I've had a few requests for details on the funeral.

It's coming. Since this blog does serve as my diary, I want to ensure I get it right when I write it down...

So, soon...

I will say that it was an amazingly beautiful service. And we continue to be blessed...

Digital Comfort, Digital Memories

I introduced my mother-in-law to the blog today. She's known of it for some time, but she lacks her own computer (which had been frustrating when we lived so far away - Yahoo! Messenger is so nice long distance).

I brought her to the local public library. We sat down, and I told her... I would like to show you what the World thinks of your daughter.

Nice words and condolences are often easily expected from family and close friends, but... it's becoming clearer to me (as certain ones of you beat it into me) that Ellicia's story, courage, strength, and perseverance reached and touched one or two of you out there.

She saw the sixty-six page print-out of comments from the Pain, No More post. It was rolled up, tied with a bow, and placed in the casket with Ellicia.

But, she'd not read them. I had told her a synopsis of the wave of support, but still... she had not seen it.

As I write this, she is beside me... reading, remembering, and drawing comfort and strength.

Digital comfort, Digital memories, no less real.

Thank you, all of you...

People of Character

We've been blessed to come to know many people through our journey. I'd like to refer you to one, in particular, Mary*Ann.

I am humbled by how she has chosen to express her sympathy for our family and her admiration for Ellicia.

Please look here.

Thank you, M*A.


(And to all of you in the BBB, the flowers are beautiful, sweet, and appreciated.)

Lovely Poem Sent to Me

"While Waiting for Thee"

Don't weep at my grave,
For I am not there,
I've a date with a butterfly
To dance in the air.
I'll be singing in the sunshine,
Wild and free,
Playing tag with the wind,
While I'm waiting for thee.


(If this is copyrighted, I apologize...)

Finding the Online Obituaries

As we move on, the online obituaries are starting to take a little searching to find. So, here is a link:

Charleston Post & Courier

The funeral home website doesn't have a link, but she's still showing under the current listings.

FYI.

Saw Ellicia

I saw Ellicia for the first time today. First time since she'd died and they'd wheeled her away.

Was nervous. But, went right up to her...

She was covered in a sheet (up to her neck) because they didn't have clothes yet. The clothes I'd brought, even though she'd recently worn them, didn't fit anymore. I'd gone shopping for her, and selected a few outfits. (As an aside, Ellicia and I enjoyed doing clothes shopping, but men, I have to tell you... if you think clothes shopping is difficult, it's really hard when she can't try them on. Takes a lot of imagination.)

I think it's a beautiful outfit, and she'll look lovely in it.

Anyway, I was there today to let her father come to visit. Ellicia and her father had been estranged for the better part of 34 years. The reasons why are long gone and best forgotten. He'd sent an e-mail a few weeks ago reaching out to her. He'd learned of her troubles. She had a chance to read the e-mail, but... we never got to respond to it. But, I knew she wanted to.

So, he discovered the blog (handy thing, this is, no?). And when I posted that she'd died... well, he contacted the funeral home about being able to see her without causing a disruption. Classy, I think.

So, we arranged a time when he could come. The past is past, and I think a father should be able to say goodbye to his daughter.

It was very touching. I was worried because the last he'd seen her was when she was 5 and now... after the cancer... the look could be shocking. But, a father's love is undying, and he came to say goodbye. Gave her a kiss. And I felt bad for his loss. He'd lost his daughter... twice.



I'm really impressed with the amazing work of the funeral home. The funeral director had intimated to me that he and the staff had been truly shocked when they'd received her body. He said they thought that there'd been a horrible mistake, that the wrong body had been sent. He'd been worried that they wouldn't be able to do much as the cancer had ravaged her body so horribly.

I reassured him in this way. A week before she'd passed, Ellicia had said that she was looking forward to leaving the house and getting a chance to look pretty again. She hated how the mirror image looked. I told him, "She looks pretty again."

And she does.

Does she look the same as in some of the pictures in earlier posts? No. But, her beauty has always come from deeper than her skin. Her twinkling eyes, beaming smile, and the energy oozing from her... all made her very beautiful. And when I saw her lying there... her eyes may have been closed, and her mouth frozen, and the energy has left her body - but the beauty was still there. The peace with which she'd died... She's pretty again.

Obituaries

The obituaries are starting to appear.

She's listed on the Stuhr funeral home website and the Charleston Post & Courier, so far.

And, also here:
S, E Entered into eternal rest on December 31, 2006 in Virginia, E R T S, wife of W R S, Jr. Residence, Newport News, VA. Relatives and friends of Mr. and Mrs. W S, Jr. are invited to attend the funeral services of the latter in Old St. Andrews Episcopal Church, Monday, January 8, 2007 at Ten O'clock. Interment, Beaufort National Cemetery, Monday at One O'clock. Friends may call at J. HENRY STUHR, INC.,WEST ASHLEY CHAPEL, Sunday from Five until Seven O'clock. E was born in Summerville, SC, May 2, 1967, the daughter of A Tyler. She received undergraduate and graduate degrees from the College of Charleston. E was a supportive military wife and actively involved in support roles for our Armed Forces. Surviving are her mother of Charleston, SC; her husband of Newport News, VA.; 2 daughters, K N Y and M C S both of Newport News, VA.; son, T R S of Newport News, VA. In lieu of flowers, memorials may be made to the Susan G. Komen Foundation, 69 Barre Street, Charleston, SC 29401. Visit our guestbook at www.charleston.net/deaths.

Blog Tip

Some have asked for more info about Ellicia's story. I have gone through the messages and tried to find some relevant posts. If you scroll down, on the right side, you'll come to a section called Labels. There, I've placed about 68 or so "Ellicia" posts.

Now, keep in mind, these aren't all of the posts that are at all related to Ellicia. I'm still working on labels, but these are the most relevant.

In the archives, still unlabeled, are plenty of Ellicia posts...

And as I have time, and browse through, I'll label those, too.

Please, enjoy reading and sharing her joy of life and determination to fight and win against this disease... so proud of her!

More Funeral Information

The Visitation will be held at Stuhr Funeral Home's West Ashley location on Sunday from 5 pm to 7 pm.

The Funeral service will be at Old Saint Andrew's Church at 10 am on Monday, the 8th.

And the burial will be at 1 pm in Beaufort National Cemetary.

Those of you who can attend, please come. Ellicia and I found many friends through the blog and net, and we would love to have you come as we lay her to rest.

If you have any questions, please feel free to drop a line on the blog, or you may e-mail me: sceagle1118 AT yahoo.com.

There was an earlier question about which Breast Cancer foundation. It has been suggested, and I'm recommending, the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. Please, help us find a cure to this horrible disease.

Thank you... your comments have been amazing. Late at night, when I can't sleep, I'm stunned by the number of sites that have linked to our story and by the messages you have left. Ellicia and I always thought of ourselves as "just us"... regular people, and to see the lives that she/we've touched... makes me very proud for her.

Ellicia In Pictures

Ellicia with Santa

As you may have read in my Dad's post, we had a visit with Santa.

In Germany, we never really got to visit Santa, so we really wanted to have the kids visit Santa.

We wanted to make it as much of a family event as possible, partly because we knew it'd be Ellicia's last Christmas.

On the 23rd, Ellicia was out of the hospital, my Dad was in town, her Mom was in town, and we had all of the kids. So, that evening, we loaded everyone up. We packed extra oxygen, put the wheelchair in the van, and loaded everyone into two cars. And off we went. It was around 1830, and the mall was packed with last minute shoppers. The line for Santa was about two hours long.

After a bit, the staff allowed us to move to the head of the line. The kids went through, and we had a wonderful time. They loved it. Ellica and I delighted in watching them.

Then, I went over to Santa, and asked if he would mind one more. I explained Ellicia's situation, and how we hoped maybe Santa had something special in his magical bag. He said he wasn't God (of course), but that he'd love to.

I walked over to Ellicia, and asked, "Would you like to visit with Santa?" Her eyes lit up and she said, "Yes!"

I wheeled her over, and then backed away. Keep in mind that there was a huge line of kids waiting for Santa... the staff disappeared, and Santa then spent about 10-15 minutes with Ellicia. I have no idea (and now, never will) what was said, but the looks on Ellicia's face were amazing. She truly looked like a little girl at Christmas, again. (Look at number 3).

After it was over, Santa got up and made some written notes... I wonder what her wrote?

It was a wonderful visit, and there really is a Santa. I thought I'd share this magical moment.

Initial Funeral Info

Many of you are interested in the funeral info... it's too early for many of the details, as I don't meet with the funeral home until Thursday.

Here's what I do know:

• She's flying from Norfolk to Charleston on Wednesday. I'm going to the airport with her to see her off.
• The funeral is being handled by J. Henry Stuhr Funeral Homes, 3360 Glenn McConnell Parkway, Charleston, SC
• In lieu of flowers, I'm asking that donations be made to a good and reputable breast cancer foundation. While Ellicia loves flowers, and would certainly appreciate them, I think we can best be served by trying to defeat this cursed disease before it kills too many more wonderful people.
• The service will be at Old St. Andrew's Church in Charleston, SC. It's not our home church, as we're really without one, but it's beautiful, and Ellicia would like it.
• Ellicia wishes to be buried next to me. As I have no home cemetary or family plot, I've decided to be buried in a National Cemetary. Beaufort, SC is the closest National Cemetary to our families and homes in South Carolina, so that is where she'll rest until I finally join her. I like to think that until then, all of my "buddies" will keep watch over her.
• We will do the services on Monday. I do not have times yet.

I want to thank all of you for your wonderful comments. I cannot respond to each of you, but I wish I could. As this site, particularly her post has turned into a virtual funeral register, I intend to print all of your thoughts and comments and tuck them into her casket to be with her. The support for her (and us) from literally around the world has been astounding and she was always amazed and comforted by it... and I want it to stay with her.

Thank you, all.

Messages for Mommy

Tonight, we sent messages to Mommy. It was originally an idea by the children's counselor to help them grieve, but...

I added a message, and so did Marmee.

All of us (except Thomas, who can't write yet) wrote short messages to Mommy, and we tied them to balloons.

Then, we went out on the back deck and launched the balloons up into the sky... and we hope Mommy will get them and read them.

It's a nice idea...

(and part of me really is hoping she'll see the messages.)

Post From My Dad

I'd meant to post this before... but, there had been little time for blogging. My Dad wrote this to share some of what had been missing since I'd not updated the blog.

I'm including it as written. My Dad has never been one for correct spellings, or such. Writing for him has always been a chore. So, when he sent this, I was moved just that he wrote it. Here it is:

Well The Stanleys have been ultra busy - Since traveling accross the pond from
Germany to Charleston SC on November 22 - They had Thanksgiving then Sunday they
rented a van to go to Virginia. Kinda like in the fronteir days where the family
packed up the wagon with all they had an off to a new land. The Army put them in
a Hotel and Reid was off to making lots of arrangements - Contacting his new
command , finding transportation (his vehicle is on a ship somewhere) and
finding a place to live - the choices were very very slim as Ellicia condition
had declined - taking 4 steps is a major task. Ellicia was hospitalized and
allowed to come home a few days prior to Christmas. I was worried about there
being a Christmas so a week ago i took up a live tree and decorated it (it did
not win any awards0. The niighbors have been wonderful The days have really been
long for Reid taking care of little ones and wife. So I went back up this friday
and knowing that a extended diet on McDonalds had to stop - I was able to get a
friend to cook a few dishes - I guess the habit of McDonalds was hard to change
as when lunch time came Reid said how about Peanut butter swamage -I said no I
want real food and it was wonderful. In a week - the Sergents have helped -
Realitor has helped and the Elks club has helped with food for the house - some
furniture (they had none) and helped with lots of wonderful gifts for Christmas
- I mean lots - Saturday Ellicia's mom was able to make it up so that afternoon
we loaded 2 cars and off to the Mall to see Santa - not a easy undertaking -
Ellicia has to have oxygen all the time and is in a wheel chair - the line was
long - the kids eyes wide open with anticaption to see Santa. Santa was
wonderful - they allow them head of line privelage after about 30 min wait.
After each child talked with Santa - after Santa fihished with the kids - Santa
got out of his chair walked over to Ellicia -knelt down on one leg and Talked
with her alone - I dont know what they said to each other - the smile on her
face was like a little child - so for a moment in time there was some normalice
- but there is a Santa!! From a parent - very concerned about his son and family
- I can not express in words the kindness and love each of you have desplayed
for my son and family - I has gone a long long way to making a impossible
situation - bearable. Merry Christmas - Happy Honica
- Reid's dad