And the Clock Reaches Zero (Again)...

It's 31 December.  Again.

I've tried to ignore it, and not lend the spotlight to it this year, but the ol' countdown clock has been loud as ever.  For those unfamiliar, the November and December time frame features prominently to me as most of the large landmarks of my wife's battle with cancer land during those two months.  As I'm very in tune with Time, my mind naturally and subconsciously ticks away those markers for me.

This year has ironically provided a double-whammy.  I've managed to line up a nearly eerie reenactment of that timeline.  For one trying to keep the Clock quiet, I sure picked a strange way to do it.

In the Fall of 2006, we were in Germany, on our way to the States.  In the Fall of 2012, we were in Germany, on our way to the States.

In November 2006, we left Germany.  In November 2012, we left Germany.

In November 2006, we had a big Thanksgiving with family.  In November 2012, we had a big Thanksgiving with family.

In December 2006, we set up home in Virginia.  In December 2012, we set up home in Virginia.

The similarities continue.

And yet, there is a fundamental difference.  The time line in 2006 was a march to an End, even if we didn't know it at the time.  It is pockmarked with time landmarks and decision points that remind me of a report from an accident investigator.  ("Here you can see where they made this decision", etc.)

I have a different feeling now.  I feel poised on a New Hope and New Beginning.  As I've tried to rebuild, and redesign my Life, and the children's, it's been chaos, and many fits and starts.  I've tried A, I've tried B, I've tried C... there are times I feel I've run out of damned letters.

But, our family has kept trying.  It's not been a roaring success in the past, and who knows, maybe this attempt won't work either.  But, I feel full of Hope.  I think this might just do it.

I have to try.

Meanwhile, my true friend M*A sent me this poem.  I think it sums up the battle well:

I don't like

the memories
because the tears
come early,
and once again break
my promise
to myself for this day.

It's a constant battle.

A war between

remembering and forgetting.

Tomorrow is a new day, and the Clock will be silent once more.  Today... well, It's Year Number Six, and it won't be the Last Year, but it's much better than the ones before.

Thanksgiving

Being in the military and being a military family means that holidays are always approached somewhat differently. 

This Thanksgiving, I'm blessed to be home with family. However, I also have friends all over the world: Afghanistan, Kuwait, Deutschland, Italia, España, and every timezone of the United States of America.As I type this, that means Thanksgiving is almost over for some, and not even begun for others. And some friends are surrounded by family and friends, others are in harm's way... yet universally, we're thankful.It's been a year with ups and downs - friends and family lost, new friends and family joining us, career changes, elections (whether good or bad depends on the point of view), yet... there is still much we can be happy about, even if we have to look harder.

I am thankful for much, but most for family and all of you friends.

Happy Thanksgiving wherever you are!

So INCREDIBLY Frustrated

I'm scouring my hard drive for a picture of the "Four Generations"... Great-Grandmother, E's Mom, E, and our daughters...  can't find it.

This is becoming a quest now.  I MUST find this... Thought I might have posted it here, but, I can't find it here, either.  GRRRR.

A Nice Treat

Tonight, completely unexpected, I was released from work super early.  I got to tuck my kids into bed.  To my first-line supervisor, thank you.  The kids, though they don't know it, thank you, too.

Riddle Me This, Army

So, how is this supposed to work?

The Army professes support for families, and how families are vital to the Army's success.

And single parents... well, they're supported, too.

However, here I am working a shift that's opposite my kids' schedules. I don't mind so much, except... I can see the effect in my kids' behavior. M is just going off the rails. I see her for about 15 minutes each morning. That's it. Otherwise, it's schools and sitters.

Very frustrating.

My next schedule will be a "huge" improvement. In May, I switch to working weekends, Sat-Mon, 0700 - 1930. Yep. So, I'll see M at night during the week, and on weekends. Just in time to tuck her in.

HOW DO I GET TO BE THE DAD THEY NEED?!?!?!

Looking for answers... sigh.

A Special Moment

Been wallowing a bit, feeling... lost. Adrift.

Anywho, I was detemined to really try to pull together for the holiday, and as part of the effort, we were going to have a family time... Is it the family that was? No, but it is the family that is.

Picked the kids up, and as a surprise, headed off to the local minor league baseball team statium for a baseball game! It was my first pro-game, and T's, too. M's third... which was good, cause this way she at least understood what was going on. While she may not yet grasp the infield fly rule, but then, who does... she does understand the basics of the game. T, on the other hand, was happy with learning that some guys were just trying to hit the ball, catch the ball, and run around the bases.

We had a great time... between ballpark feasting and the music, and their favorites, the mascots... it was fun.


And then (mercifully for some), the game ended.

And it was time to celebrate what M calls "A Special Day". First, the announcer had the music guy play the service songs. For those who don't know, this is a neat tradition. The Army, and I presume all the other branches, have a rule that when your song plays, you stand. And for those who aren't up on all the latest rules, the announcer will usually ask those present to stand whenever their affiliated service song plays.

So, the music starts, and the first song is... (instrumentally) "First to fight..."

HOOAH!

I stand. Cheering. Go Army! Looking down, I have two beaming smiles there. As a later conversation in the car made clear, these two children are all too aware of a) what Daddy does, and that b) it means being apart and c) sacrifices are involved. Yet, they are proud of their Daddy and what Soldiers do. 6 and 4, folks... 6 and 4.

The other services go through... and it's time for fireworks.

There were, predictably, the little babies who are terrified by fireworks, but not these two, they LOVED it. And while the fireworks flew, and we hugged, and oohed, and ahhed... I reflected on past 4ths.

I remember my first 4th with M... sneaking down from AIT to watch fireworks in Duck Ditch with E and her... she loved it then...

A year later, we were apart. I in Deutschland, and they waiting to come over in the States. However, the good news was that the 4th in that year was but a few weeks shy of a wonderful wedding. And the 4th at an overseas base is a unique experience.

The next year, the 4th was also spent apart. This time, I was again at an overseas base, but this time, it was in more hostile territory (hint, see name of blog). E was in Deutschland, and the family was larger. And it was still neat.

Following that came a together Fourth, the last... in Deutschland, too.

I'm kinda hazy on the next one. I really can't recall exactly what we did. I think the kids were with their grandfather, but... as that year totally sucked, much of it has been blocked.

We had a decent Fourth, well, sort of, after that... the fireworks were cool, but there was much tension around... not exactly a happy one.

And now, there was this experience. A restart. Independence from... the past? Hoping for a better future? I don't know, don't want to get too deep. However, sitting there... at a baseball game (of all places), I felt something that had been missing for a few Fourths.

Family.

They're getting so big, and starting to be their own individuals. And while they can be frustrating as kids are wont to do (and adults), I treasure them. They keep me going. And to hold them, and have them hug and lean into me, and ooh and ahh, cheering, as we sang (some knowing the words, others making up sounds as they go along) to the patriotic music, perhaps the best feeling was this:

Progress.

Not a huge step, but the biggest steps are often the smallest.

Happy Fourth, everyone!

We Lost a Buddy

Last night, I received word that my cousin, Charles A. "Buddy" Lockwood, had died.

He died... living life the way he enjoyed it... he was riding his motorcycle when a lorry pulled out in front of him... and in that instant, Buddy was gone.

For me, Buddy has always been... well, an enigma. He's the closest to me in age of all of my cousins on my Dad's side of the family. And for a long time, I felt he was setting a bar for me that I could never hope to achieve -- that is, until I realized the bar was his, and his alone... I had my own bar.

Buddy (or "Charlie" as he apparently picked up as a nickname later in life) lived an amazing life filled with high achievement. He had a doctorate in Anatomical Sciences from the University of Witwatersrand (that's in South Africa!). He taught at the University College London. He'd been on archaelogical digs throughout Africa.

He's published, and has books for sale on Amazon.com! While I Googled him, I even saw where he'd been quoted on Foxnews.

And, amazingly enough to the family at the time, he was even a United States Marine! (I still remember his graduation.)

My main memory though is from childhood. Usually around Thanksgiving, the entire clan would gather. Being by far the youngest (most of my cousins out-age me by decades, not years), I would hole up in Buddy's room. I remember it being filled with books, from science fiction to a seemingly endless Garfield collection. And endless games of Choplifter...

Buddy was an affable, low-key guy... But with a powerful mind that was always working...

He's going to be missed... His mind, his gentle laugh... his good nature.

(If you'd like to read his "In Memoriam" and all the wonderful comments, please go to this page on Anthropology.net.)

Other tributes here, here, here, the University's announcement, and here. Photos from the charleslockwood.shutterfly.com">memorial service in Arizona (use password "ethiopia"). Here is an article from the Islington Gazette.

** Update ** - Not unsurprisingly in this modern world, the family has started a blog to provide a communications focus. Please, stop by and lend a word or two of support if you would like.

Happy Fourth of July!

Ready for some fireworks??? We are! We're camped out at Mt. Trashmore in Virginia Beach, amongst probably a good 10-20,000 fellow fireworks loving Americans.

One highlight already was when the band asked everyone on The Hill to light up and wave their cell phones while yelling, "Thank You Troops!" repeatedly.

It's a great night, and it's another great day to be an American!

For all of our country's faults, we're still the best place to be on the planet.

(And to all my comrades in the desert of Iraq, Missing y'all... Stay safe!)

Scenes from Vacation

Greetings from our vacation in Myrtle Beach!

Sometimes, even a computer addict has to take a moment and check email...

And in today's email were pics from Dad's camera phone he took while on the beach with our kidlets.

In the first pic, D and M are happily digging up the beach.






Here in the second pic, you can see all of them merrily digging and bucketing....

The shadow comes from the Grandpa-sundial taking the pic.

Thanksgiving 2007 - A Time to Reflect... And Look Forward

Today was Thanksgiving. For me, it's a bit of a landmark date.

It marks a period of transition. It was Thanksgiving Eve when the whole family arrived from Germany, schlepping our most important worldly possessions with us.

First time I've ever been met at an airport by a TV news crew... Wanting to document the saga of E's journey back.

It marked the closing of the Germany chapter and the beginning of what (we thought) was to be a long stateside one. Amazing what we didn't know.

So, Thanksgiving 2007 marks the beginning (in my mind) of "It's Been One Year..." One year since the whole world changed.

I have a lot to be thankful for... My father, for one. His support has been immeasureable, setting a bar so high, I can only dream of one day meeting that standard with my children. Last year, as we prepared to evacuate (I use "evacuate" due to the nature of our departure) Deutschland... Our adopted home... He realized the effort it would take. This man (and his willing accomplice, Patricia, ex-wife #2) FLEW to Europe just to help us move and make the journey back. And in the year since, in so many ways, including shouldering the ultimate responsibility and burden, I am indebted. I am thankful for my Dad. And love him dearly.

I am thankful for my Angels... M*A (and the angel family), PJ, Andrea, Miss Birdlegs, and countless others, who've defined Angels in whole new ways. Whether it was being there to listen, or to help me keep writing - when just getting out of bed was hard, to knowing when to whisper a wise word... Or just a needed hug.

My Dad has his own Angel, in the form of Miss D... Who's also embarked on an unplanned journey, and without whom, four lives would be much emptier. She's a teacher... In and out of the classroom.

I'm thankful for memories... As painful and tormenting as they sometimes can be.. For just as powerful is their hurt is their *simultaneous* joy.

And for my visions of the future. M & T. Veritable beacons of Hope and Life itself. Watching them grow learn, and develop... And sharing it with them. Two children who've sacrificed much and demonstrate how to keep moving forward. With Hearts full of unending Love, so pure and innocent, and minds already wise with Life's Lessons... I can look at them and see a time machine - able to look into the past, at what was... Just one year ago... And also all that is to come.

For all of this, I am thankful. For as hard as each day is, keeping the sea of thick blackness at bay, these are the beams of sunshine that make it worth going to see the next day.

A Special Day

Today is a very special day.

Five years ago, I was in India. Running up what had to be one of the most expensive phone bills I've ever had. 8,887! miles away, my daughter was coming into the world.

Delivered by caesarean, she was a beauty. Let's take a peek back, shall we?


(She's still inside - so comfy)


(She's just been hatched!)


(Being born is hard work!)


(Very happy Mommy...)


I finally got to meet my little girl about two months later.

This is my very first look upon her... E had a friend be ready with the camera when she walked in. I don't think I've ever been more excited or nervous to meet someone.


E called this picture "So, this is Daddy!"


Five years. She's such a joy in my life.

I remember her first birthday - I was able to sneak down on a quick pass from Army training.

First cake - can't you tell?


Life is good...

Life is VERY good


Grandpa


Marmee

Second birthday, we shared in Germany (girl gets around, doesn't she?)... The family had just arrived a month earlier...

Third birthday. Sigh. M's third birthday will always be linked... to... Cancer. E received her diagnosis on 18 November 2005. And M STILL had a party that day. To this day, I am in awe of E's strength.

M's birthday in 2006 was a tad bit truncated as the house was being packed and we were in full swing for our evacuation to the States.

And now, it's 2007. Five years old. A whole handful of fingers!

M has grown so much. She's extremely intelligent. E and I were often struck with wonder, pride, and just a tad bit of consternation, as we watched her devilish self learn how to hide sweets. And her first Easter, sorting the candy by type and color. Watching her learn and develop. She still speaks two languages, remembering her German well.

I could write pages, I'm sure... but I reflect on how much this little girl has endured, and the strength that oozes from her. She seems wise beyond her years. So grown up... And more to come!


Happy Birthday, Sweetheart!

(Also, happy birthday to Josie and Charlie!)

2007 Trick or Treating!

M is a butterfly and T is a roaring tiger... Was a little slow getting into it, but started catching onto the concept - say "Trick or Treat" and people give you candy! What a cool system...

T would roar and say "Rick or Reat"... M was very polite and wish everyone a "Happy Halloween" and say "Thank you"... Wonderful lil' darlings...

Thought I'd share some pictures

I wanted to share some recent pictures... some snapshots of moments in life.


Thomas working on his latest masterpiece.



Peeking out from a neighbor's play fort... Young sentry ensuring all is safe on his watch.

or

Something really neat, like maybe a squirrel!, caught his attention.






Sometimes the best part of a day is just enjoying a few minutes on a swing...

Father's Day

Very disappointing this year... just wasn't the same, really.

It started off nicely. M came and woke me up with several sweet "Happy Father's Day."

Afterwards, I went to take a shower, and that's where it went downhill...

While in the shower, the munchkins ate my Daddy's Day present that M had given me. And lied about it... of course, because that's one of the fundamental rules of being a kid, right?

Yesterday, it was coloring on the window sill... today, the carpet.

We left the house, and started with a few errands on the way to Daddy's Day lunch at the Waffle House. Kids tag-teaming their screaming and screaching the whole way there...

Came back, and it just continues...

Yay.

M's lying has gotten atrocious... she lies about everything and seems to beg to want to get in trouble... is fishing for negative attention when I'm eager to give her good attention.

Very frustrating day.

This gets easier, right?

On the Way!

We have orders!

I was given my orders at about 1550 today. While too late to get much done today, I am now on my way out of here.

It's going to be tight, as we fly on 22 November. Given that there are some holidays, here's the time frame...

08 November - Pickup clearing papers (nothing can happen without clearing papers). Also, try to juggle a medical appointment, a meeting, scheduling our household goods shipment.

09 November - Continue clearing, particulars decided by 08 November results.

10 November - Veterans Day. Nothing happens.
11 November - Saturday. (Party!)
12 November - Sunday. Guessing we'll move soon, so make sure we're ready for our house to be packed.
13 November - Training Holiday... most offices will be closed.
14 November - Vet appointment; continue clearing.
15 November - Truck scheduled for cleaning. Deep, deep detail cleaning for shipping, so nothing else will be accomplished today.
16 November - Pick up Dad and friend from the airport. They're coming over to help escort us back to the States.
17 November - Ship truck.
18 November - Saturday. M turns FOUR!
19 November - Sunday. It's getting close. Should be in a hotel by now.
20 November - Last bit of clearing.
21 November - Final out.
22 November - Say goodbye to Germany.

It's an intense and busy schedule, but we can do it... we're on the way now... no turning back.

Just became a lot more real... :)

(Technical note: Somewhere in there, our lines to the outside world will be cut. There will be a last post, and then... for a few days at least, "A Storm in Afghanistan" will go quiet as we relocate Storm Central to our temporary headquarters in the States. Please, continue stopping by, and any comments/e-mails will be answered as soon as our commo guys get some tin cans and string together.)

She's So Sweet

My wife passed along this little tidbit.

Seems my daughter, M, showed up with her pooh bear backpack, and declared it was time to go.

Go where, she was asked.

"I go to Anananatan to go get my Daddy!!"

(approx.) 35 days to go.

Happy Anniversary!

I'd like to say Happy 50th Anniversary to my Uncle Abie and Aunt Eleanor. What an accomplishment. And more, what a blessing.

I can only hope that I am blessed to spend fifty years with Ellicia.

Congratulations, you two. May each anniversary continue to bring you happiness.

Family News

You're all asking about T...

He had his big appointment on the 12th. Apparently, yes, there was fluid and wax in the ears, but that's easily solvable. Clear that, and he should hear just fine.

Which brings us to today.

Called home.

Talked to E, which was heaven in and of itself. T was busy eating. So, anyways... he's been taking his medicine to help clear the ears, and we thought it'd be a good time to test it. E held the phone to him, and I started talking.

She says that he STOPPED eating, and cut his eyes over to the phone, trying to figure out where the sound came from... And then BIG smiles in his eyes... even laughter. It is our consensus that he heard his Daddy... and that's just awesome news...

Also talked to M. She was having a bad day... spilled water on herself and paintings, and has been falling out of beds, but she talked to me and was INSTANTLY happy. Saying she was talking to "her Daddy", and singing the "Daddy song"... Sigh... miss the kids.

Was a good call...

Ready to PARTY!

M getting ready for the 4th of July carnival on post at home... Look at her! She looks so old... and don't think Daddy didn't notice the polish on her toesies. She is SO ADORABLE... Miss her...

Two Year Olds Know More Than We Give Credit For

My wife recently sent me an e-mail that brought me close to tears. Here is an excerpt:

Riss does love you...

walking to
class this morning she points and says "Look. A daddy on a bicycle. MY Daddy in
Ananagastan. ... I want my Daddy."

Thought I was going to
cry.

I sat down with both she and Kira before leaving, trying to explain why Daddy was going to be gone. Kira grasped it, but never sensed that Rissa understood. I guess she did. Can't put much past the two year old, eh? She's amazing. Miss her...