And the Clock Reaches Zero (Again)...

It's 31 December.  Again.

I've tried to ignore it, and not lend the spotlight to it this year, but the ol' countdown clock has been loud as ever.  For those unfamiliar, the November and December time frame features prominently to me as most of the large landmarks of my wife's battle with cancer land during those two months.  As I'm very in tune with Time, my mind naturally and subconsciously ticks away those markers for me.

This year has ironically provided a double-whammy.  I've managed to line up a nearly eerie reenactment of that timeline.  For one trying to keep the Clock quiet, I sure picked a strange way to do it.

In the Fall of 2006, we were in Germany, on our way to the States.  In the Fall of 2012, we were in Germany, on our way to the States.

In November 2006, we left Germany.  In November 2012, we left Germany.

In November 2006, we had a big Thanksgiving with family.  In November 2012, we had a big Thanksgiving with family.

In December 2006, we set up home in Virginia.  In December 2012, we set up home in Virginia.

The similarities continue.

And yet, there is a fundamental difference.  The time line in 2006 was a march to an End, even if we didn't know it at the time.  It is pockmarked with time landmarks and decision points that remind me of a report from an accident investigator.  ("Here you can see where they made this decision", etc.)

I have a different feeling now.  I feel poised on a New Hope and New Beginning.  As I've tried to rebuild, and redesign my Life, and the children's, it's been chaos, and many fits and starts.  I've tried A, I've tried B, I've tried C... there are times I feel I've run out of damned letters.

But, our family has kept trying.  It's not been a roaring success in the past, and who knows, maybe this attempt won't work either.  But, I feel full of Hope.  I think this might just do it.

I have to try.

Meanwhile, my true friend M*A sent me this poem.  I think it sums up the battle well:

I don't like

the memories
because the tears
come early,
and once again break
my promise
to myself for this day.

It's a constant battle.

A war between

remembering and forgetting.

Tomorrow is a new day, and the Clock will be silent once more.  Today... well, It's Year Number Six, and it won't be the Last Year, but it's much better than the ones before.

T's Message to Mommy

As we came home from T's birthday party, he made a request that caught me completely by surprise.  He said he wanted to send a message to Mommy.  

#6

Today was... is... a special day on the calendar.  Six years ago, the above picture was taken.

To the beautiful lady with a really cute smile in that picture:  You're missed, Sweet. 

Ellicia's Gravesite

It's still new, of course... the grave marker won't be in for a few months.

But for now, here is our new home. I don't plan on moving in anytime soon, of course... so until then, Ellicia will be keeping it cold for me.

She's in good company. Right in front, a beautiful place... the flagpole is a few yards away. She has troops from the War Between the States just behind her. Including some markers with the inscription "USCT" - United States Colored Troops. Now, that's history.

So, here's a peek at Section 4, Plot 171B.

Excitedly Ready to Walk

Here we are... it's TIME.

I'm writing from Washington, DC. It was an amazing rush to check into the Avon Registration center. There were SO many people! To know that each walker had raised at least a minimum of $1,800... the math gets impressive quickly.

I want to thank everyone who helped me get here. We've raised $2,300 in honor of Ellicia!! $2,300 to help fight this disease. $2,300 more to reduce the spread of this horror.

Tomorrow, the walk...

Birthdays Lost...

... But not forgotten.

Today is 02 May. Ellicia would have been 41 today.

It's notable to me now how I've managed to move from this being a Day of Celebration to a Day of Grief... To a Day of Remembrance and Honor.

I think it's no small cosmic coincidence that the closest Avon Walk for Breast Cancer to me is in Washington, D.C. On the weekend of Ellicia's birthday, no less. I register/check-in tonight, on her birthday.

It is a truth of this disease (and so many others) that it's "below the radar" for many until it touches them personally; and then, when it's over, it fades from view again. The hectic routine of "Daily Life" reasserts its firm grasp on our attention span - as it should.

I am honored and humbled by the support that has poured forth for this walk

Cancer Walk for Ellicia

I'd like to announce that I've decided to partake in the Avon - Walk for Breast Cancer.

The walk will be 26.2 miles long, or more recognizable as the length of a marathon. I think that's significant as battling cancer is often best thought in terms of a marathon - it's a long race.

I'll be walking in Washington, DC - where Ellicia found special memories on our last trip. And significantly, it's the weekend of her birthday - she would have been 41.

Avon's foundation requires a commitment to ensure the successful goal of the walkers. Each walker must make a commitment of a minimum of $1800 in contributions.

I am asking for YOUR help. I'd like to blow past that goal, personally. Breast cancer, like so many cancers, is a horrible disease. We need to keep funding the research to DEFEAT this disease - before it claims too many more of our mothers, wives, daughters, sisters... and little known fact, the men in our society, too.

Please, go to my Avon website where you can donate directly.

If that doesn't work, then you can also click the button below, and those donations will go 100% to the walk.

Thank you for your support. It'll be a long, hard walk... but, as Ellicia taught me, anything is possible.

A special thank you to the following blogs for highlighting our cause:

• Tanker Brothers
• Blackfive
• Love, Mom (Notes from the Fridge)
• Here, There, and Back Again
• Most Certainly Not!
• SpouseBUZZ

E's Senate Proclamation

In September, 2006, after we'd returned home to Germany and received our devastating news, I contacted Senator Jim DeMint's office to tell E's story and to ask if perhaps his office could do something special for her. The office staff had already become familiar with our family from our summertime visit to Washington, DC.

E & I were certainly impressed, and honored, to receive in our mail a package from the United States Senate later that month.

The Office of Senator Jim DeMint

Proclamation Honoring E S of the City of Summerville

Whereas, the City of Summerville has been home to numerous citizens who have given their lives to the betterment of society; and

Whereas, E S (nee Tyler) was born in Summerville the second day of May, 1967, to Mrs. Gloria Annette Sweat Tyler; and

Whereas, E S spent her formative years in Summerville, attended the College of Charleston, and earned an undergraduate degree in Psychology; and

Whereas, E S pursued a Master's degree in Early Education at the College of Charleston; and,

Whereas, E S wed W R S, Jr; and,

Whereas, E S deserves praise for her role as a devoted Army wife and loving mother to K S (sic), M S, and T S;

Now, Therefore, I, Senator Jim DeMint, am honored to recognize E S as one of Summerville's distinguished natives, who has represented the City of Summerville, South Carolina to the United States of America and the Global community.

Dated this 22nd day of September 20006.

(signed)
Jim DeMint
United States Senator

These documents, especially the personal letter from him to us, will certainly be something for the children to treasure in later years. It meant a lot to E when it arrived, as she never imagined herself as being honored for anything, as she was just doing what she was supposed to do, what she wanted to do.

Thank you, Sen. DeMint.

Ellicia's Artwork #4

(a self-portrait)

Ellicia's Artwork #3

Ellicia's Artwork #2

Ellicia's Artwork #1

I've been making remarkable progress going through boxes. Something I'd avoided for... well, a long, long time. Boxes had been piled high in rooms... and I've been terrifed to open any of them.

Now, I am doing just that.

And today, I was rewarded with an unexpected surprise.

I found Ellicia's water colors.

An Incredible THANK YOU

Thank you to Kevin, Gregg, and Bruce for doing this. Imagine my surprise when it popped into my email box...

Take a look: Pundit Review Radio

I've never heard my words read back to me... and to hear it like this... honestly, I just curled up into a ball for a bit. I am so honored to have been Ellicia's husband and partner, even for the short time we were together. She taught me so much - about what's important, how to live, and how to face the future even when it's a future that is very frightening.

Thank you, Pundit Review... thank you.

Breast Cancer Walk Update

So far, we've raised $790 in Ellicia's name for the Avon Breast Cancer walk. That's 44% of my goal of $1800!

Thank you ALL so much for your generous support...

Breast Cancer Walk

So far, folks... we're at $465 or 26% of the $1800 goal!

Thank you SO MUCH, everyone... I know E would be pleased about the efforts we're making to help other cancer patients.

Please, donate... and donate often.

(Meanwhile, I'm practicing my walking... Left, Right, Left, Left... no, that's not it... still have to keep practicing, I guess.)

One Year

It was a year ago... today... now.

So much has happened... and gone wrong. Some has gone right. But, none has gone the way I/we thought it would... after.

Today is a time to reflect... and maybe, restart.

Pain, No More.

"We Can Be Bitter Or We Can Choose to Appreciate What We're Given"

An amazingly touching story over at Michelle Malkin.

The original, full story is over at KUSA.

From their reporting:

When Rob and Gina Harris found out they were expecting their first child they say were overwhelmed with gratitude and filled with thoughts and plans for their future family.

"We had all these visions and dreams for what our baby would grow up to be," said Gina.

Rob Harris said, "At our 20 week ultrasound we found out that he was a boy so I went out to the Nike store and had to buy a little sports outfit."

An ultrasound also revealed a problem about their unborn son, David.

As all of us parents recall, we always hope to have the "perfect" child, with everything in working order, and those tests at the doctor's are slightly dreaded, because there's always the fear of "What if something's wrong?"

And for this couple, the fear came true:

"I didn't have amniotic fluid because David most likely did not have kidneys," said Gina.

Doctors explained that amniotic fluid is critical for lungs to develop. The condition that the Harris' son had is called Potter's Syndrome. It is extremely rare and extremely serious.

"The doctor told us that the babies usually die of respiratory failure after they are born," said Gina.

The doctor explained that as long as the baby was inside Gina's womb he'd be able to grow and thrive. Gina could provide everything her son needed. The question was: Could their son live on his own?

What would you do?

Not surprisingly, the doctor offered to terminate the pregnancy.

They'd hear nothing of it.

"I decided to hold tightly to my faith and push through my fear," said Gina. "I decided to put myself aside and know that this baby has a life right now and I am meant to be his mother right now."

Her husband added, "We decided we were going to enjoy our time with our son even if he is in Gina's womb and we can't see him yet, he's still alive and he's still kicking."

The couple made the most of their pregnancy, enjoying their time with their son while he was in utero, knowing that his birth would likely cause his death.

Many couples hope the time during a pregnancy goes by quickly. The focus is on the birth. For the Harrises, the time went too quickly.

After 34 weeks together, David was coming.

And then, for so many couples a joyous time...

David Paul Harris was delivered at 3:25 in the morning, but passed away.

Their time together... six short hours... literally, a lifetime.

"We held him and like any mom and dad we examined his features," said Rob. "We were amazed to see how dark and thick his hair was."

"I remember how soft his skin felt," said Gina. "He was perfectly formed. I remember how soft his skin felt, those little things that even a picture cannot ever capture, so I made sure I remembered those things."

They had six hours with their son.

"I found some comfort in the fact that he went from safe in my womb to God's arms," said Gina.

And then, Gina says the quote that I latched onto. I so clearly remember that same crystalline moment for Ellicia and I. I remember when we received our horrible news, and how we decided to face it. Gina sums it up so well:

We have a choice. We can be bitter or we can choose to appreciate what were given," Gina said.

That's something that we often face at times in our lives... and I'm so touched by this story, especially this time of year, as 31 December is marching steadily towards me... I recall that decision, and what a tough, wonderful decision it is.

Not everyone, hopefully, will face this decision in such magnitude as the Davis', or E &I, or countless others every day. Maybe you'll face it in a situation that to the rest of the world as a minor pebble, but to you, is a massive stone rolling towards you. However this question manifests itself, please remember your choice.

And I pray... you'll choose not to waste your time with bitterness. Because then you'll have memories of bitterness, and not happiness and joy.

A Few Precious Moments with Herr Kringle

Went to the local mall tonight. Don't often go, and no, I wasn't shopping. Thought I'd get a salad at the local Ruby T's.

And then I wen into the mall. And I didn't go to Ruby T's...

I found myself instead standing at Santa's workshop... Looking in from the outside. Watching the parade of youngsters being plopped onto his lap - some happy, some mortally terrified. The parents as often listening closely for that desperate hint of what their precious munchkin wants Santa to bring... As those parents who just want the "Perfect Picture".

I didn't recognize Santa; at least, not this Santa. I asked one of the indigenous elves if Santa worked in this workshop last year... They thought so, but weren't sure. I asked if I could speak to Santa. (Being in uniform probably didn't hurt my chances at jumping the long line, but being a Soldier had nothing to do with my request.)

The elf held up the line, and I approached Santa. I asked if he'd worked last year, and he had not. He look tired, the weight of many cranky cherubs possibly weighing upon him. I decided to tell him a story.

He held my hand tightly in his gloved one... And I looked right into his eyes, for otherwise I wasn't sure if I could do this.

I told him of a family of small children who'd spent a few Christmases overseas where you Santa doesn't host as many "Open Workshops". How the five of us and two of the grandparents had delighted in watching what was for two of them, a new experience with the great, mystical Mr. C, and for our older, a new memory.

And then, how when all of the children had taken their turn, tugged his beard, and enjoyed their moment of joy, I witnessed a Christmas miracle I'll never forget.

How, purely on a whim, I'd turned to E and asked her, playfully, "Would YOU like to talk to Santa?" and her face beamed as I wheeled her over to Santa. The two shared a conversation that brought PURE JOY AND PEACE to the face of the woman who was so often wracked with pain. No one knows what was said -- and we never will, nor is it important what the words are as the substance was clear.

It became (officially) the Last Picture as E was dead barely a week later.



But, as I told Herr Kringle tonight, for that moment, and ever on now, I have no doubt that Santa is real. He brought E Christmas... And to all of us, the spirit and joy of Christmas.

And so it was, that with tears streaming down my cheek, I THANKED Santa tonight... Something I've waited nearly a year to do. And Santa gave me a big, tight hug.

Merry Christmas.

(Blast from the past...)

A Special Day

Today is a very special day.

Five years ago, I was in India. Running up what had to be one of the most expensive phone bills I've ever had. 8,887! miles away, my daughter was coming into the world.

Delivered by caesarean, she was a beauty. Let's take a peek back, shall we?


(She's still inside - so comfy)


(She's just been hatched!)


(Being born is hard work!)


(Very happy Mommy...)


I finally got to meet my little girl about two months later.

This is my very first look upon her... E had a friend be ready with the camera when she walked in. I don't think I've ever been more excited or nervous to meet someone.


E called this picture "So, this is Daddy!"


Five years. She's such a joy in my life.

I remember her first birthday - I was able to sneak down on a quick pass from Army training.

First cake - can't you tell?


Life is good...

Life is VERY good


Grandpa


Marmee

Second birthday, we shared in Germany (girl gets around, doesn't she?)... The family had just arrived a month earlier...

Third birthday. Sigh. M's third birthday will always be linked... to... Cancer. E received her diagnosis on 18 November 2005. And M STILL had a party that day. To this day, I am in awe of E's strength.

M's birthday in 2006 was a tad bit truncated as the house was being packed and we were in full swing for our evacuation to the States.

And now, it's 2007. Five years old. A whole handful of fingers!

M has grown so much. She's extremely intelligent. E and I were often struck with wonder, pride, and just a tad bit of consternation, as we watched her devilish self learn how to hide sweets. And her first Easter, sorting the candy by type and color. Watching her learn and develop. She still speaks two languages, remembering her German well.

I could write pages, I'm sure... but I reflect on how much this little girl has endured, and the strength that oozes from her. She seems wise beyond her years. So grown up... And more to come!


Happy Birthday, Sweetheart!

(Also, happy birthday to Josie and Charlie!)

Happy Anniversary

Today would have been our third wedding aniversary.

That's right, third.

As I often think, that's a very low number. You always hear about people celebrating their twenty-fifth, fiftieth, sixtieth, etc.

We never made it to three.

Sigh.

It just wasn't in the cards. And the strange thing is, no matter what, we would not have shared this anniverary together. Healthwise, we knew long ago that she would not be alive for this date. Had she have been, had she been in perfect health, I'd be in Iraq right now. So again, separated.

Day struck kind of hard. Every now in then, just when you think your life is "back on track" and that you're adjusting, you get jolted out of your comfortzone.

Like today.

Thank you to the two people who also remembered - the roses were pretty and so were the shared memories.

And to Ellicia... Happy Anniversary. We may not have made it to three, but we packed in more in those short years than some folks who go all the way to sixty-three.

I wrote to you on our first anniversary (and we were apart)... and it's still true and amazing to me even now... My Hero.

*