Four Weeks

Today marks four weeks since Ellicia passed away. Wow, time seems to have both flown and stood still.

I'm not yet comfortable with things. I'm not comfortable, for example, with how smoothly some parts of life have resumed.

I'm not comfortable with the idea that there are parts of our life that already seem to be fuzzier and harder to remember. You know how it is, without a constant refreshing of the memory, it becomes less distinct.

I'm not comfortable. None of this feels right. Which is surprising since it was, in most respects, expected.

We knew this was coming. It was unavoidable. We thought we were prepared. And as she told me repeatedly, she knew she had the easy part.

I'm scared. In so many ways. Scared of the future. Scared of forgetting the past. Scared that I won't live up to her expectations of me. Scared I'll let her down.

I know she's around. I can't touch her, can't see her, but I feel her presence. That one is hard to explain, but for a cynic such as myself, I never feel silly talking to her, and showing her things going on.

We always said that her hospital stays and long bed rests were "practice" and "training". It wasn't enough. I can't imagine being properly prepared, but we somehow thought we were ready.

Sigh.

I wish there was a way to avoid all of this. I look back, and think back to when I was standing in my uniform at the altar. My Heart swelling and beating faster as the woman of my dreams and the Love of my Life walked down the aisle. She was BEAUTIFUL! And standing there, as we went through our vows, I admit, I never conceived that they'd be "tested" so soon.

Our marriage was sadly brief - only 2 and a half years. During that time, we were separated three months waiting for her to join me in Germany, six months for deployment, various weeks for field exercises, and then we had the thirteen and some months of dealing with Cancer. It certainly wasn't a "normal" marriage. It was filled with roller coaster rides up and down.

Never saw that coming. We always envisioned such a long life together. If anything, we figured that I would be the one to die early... being in the Army during this time of war. The odds were against me, surely, but not her.

I always saw a life with her, not without her.

This doesn't feel right at all.

I miss you, Ellicia.