Made Me Smile

As a general rule, I've tended to avoid posting about the kids. All sorts of various reasons, and it has worked (for the most part) up until now.

Of course, half the family now being gone, I can either post about me or... um... maybe share some of what the kids are doing.

Well, tonight, Thomas got me to smiling. He was helping me cook, in his own special way - mostly being underfoot. He was having such a good time, I didn't want to fuss at him for being in the kitchen.

Being the curious little boy that he is, he likes to check out the cabinets, drawers, and last night... the dispensers on the fridge. He tapped the water dispenser, and would you believe? It works!

Made a nice puddle on the floor. Thomas looks at me, points down, and says, "Uh oh." Stares at it. And before I can do anything (or say anything), he scurries away. I'm curious, and dinner isn't doing anything, so I watch what he's up to. He goes into the dining room, climbs up on the chairs, reaches for the roll of paper towels I keep there, rips off one sheet (clean tear, too), brings it back, wipes up the water, and puts the wet towel into the trash can.

Wow. I was so proud of him. Such a good little boy! And so clean minded... and wanting to help.

Precious.

I smiled. And told Ellicia... Sure she's proud.

Army Strong

Does anyone know where I can get downloads of the Army Strong theme? I find it so moving and motivating.

The Tick Tock of Time

It's arrived. Our Grandfather clock. I am... ecstatic and sad at the same time.

Ellicia and I had always wanted a really nice souvenir of our time in Germany. Something more than the standard postcard or beer stein.

Luckily for us, the Black Forest region of Deutschland is renown for it's clock making. Much like the Swiss, I suppose.

We found a family that has been in the clock making business for hundreds of years. I remember visiting their home and seeing clocks older than America, and still ticking.

I also remember visiting their showroom. They had a barn/garage type building in their backyard. The showroom was on the second floor. Narrow stairs. And Ellicia was determined to get up there. And she did!

We spent the next hour and some shopping around. We picked out all of the details that we thought would help summarize our time, and ended up with quite a few details of the Schloss Neuschwanstein.

The clock is handmade, to custom specifications. It's expensive, and in fact, more than we ever thought we'd spend on a souvenir. But, we also knew we'd likely never be back to Germany. Besides, all we needed to do was make a small downpayment (to secure the order), and then over the next years, we could pay whenever we liked - no interest or nonsense. And the clock would be made when the money was final.

That was right before we left.

When Ellicia passed away, I felt a very strong desire to no longer wait for the clock. Years didn't seem to be a right timeframe. So, I dashed the full balance off to him (thank you, Ellicia, for the life insurance). It had to clear customs and of course there were freight charges (all told, another 50% of the original value), and then there was bickering between the shipper and the customs agent on who was to hire the truck to bring it to the house (took 6 weeks, till finally I had enough and told them to just hire the $!@ truck).

It came. Truck delivered it as far as the driveway. It was a huge crate. 500+ pounds. So, I enticed some nice neighbors to help carry it in. I did some crate breaking -- after unscrewing 49 long screws... yes, I counted them. We hauled it in. Stood it up. And then, as we all know from the wee hours before Christmas morning...

Some Assembly Required

Had hang the weights, the pendulum, set the time, and calibrate the workings.

And now, it chimes. It can do three different tunes, and even has a Night option. It's beautiful.

And once it was all set up, I stopped, and sat down in front of it... and just started talking to Ellicia. Told her how nice it looked, and what a good job she did in helping to pick out the details. How beautiful it sounds when it chimes. And the details and the workmanship. Very impressed.

It's the last piece to arrive from Germany. There's nothing more to arrive. And it's the last thing we truly picked out together. What was only to be a memento of our time in Germany has become more a memento of our time.

Blocked

It's been four weeks since I've written.

It's not for lack of material, nor desire. I have had plenty I've wanted to write down. Sadly, every time I sit and try to peck it out... I become stuck.

Nothing comes out.

And so, it's been silent here for a month.

I'm hoping the blockage will come to an end... soon.

Until then, I suppose I'll up my blogging fiber intake.

Confidential (Again)

HB TWD!

Timing

I was getting ready to go to bed. Started to turn off the TV, and instead flipped. First channel I flipped to, one I never watch, was ABC Family. Apparently it was in the middle of Steel Magnolias. The graveyard scenes.

So touching.

And felt like it was me, right there...

And good to hear.


Sigh.

*

Confidential

If you're reading this and smiling to yourself, then this post was for you... Otherwise, you probably have no idea what I'm up to.

Life, Restarted

Went back to work this week.

I say back to work, as if I'd ever actually been able to start there in the first place.

I hadn't even had but one day in uniform since we'd arrived in Virginia. So, it's hard to say it's "back to work".

However, it's back to work.

They've given me two jobs. One, I'll be a clerk in one of the schoolhouse HQ offices. The other job will have me be the Driver for the schoolhouse Command Sergeant Major, Colonel, and other Distinguished Visitors (as required).

Very intense and intimidating for little ol' me, but then, I've been in similar situations. So, guess I'll just suck it up and drive on.


In other news, apparently I'm up for reenlistment. My job category is "overstrength", so it's a golden opportunity for me to make a change. So far, I'm looking at either a Personnel Clerk (not the best choice, but it IS an area I excel in), Satellite Communications Technician/Operator, or Radiology Technician (you know, like X-rays at the hospital - which I like, because maybe I can find a way to help women getting scanned for Cancer or something). It'll mean school (the good ones are about half a year long - no kids). It also means putting the next paragraph...

Apparently I'm ready for promotion too. But, got a bit of a way to go there. Have to get myself back into Army physical condition, and ooooh, isn't that fun. But, working hard at it. Need to get that promotion. More $$$, etc. Of course, if you read the previous paragraph, have to let it wait a bit till the reclassification can go through. (See, if I get promoted, my opportunities for reclassification drop dramatically.)

Oh, and I'm also on the list to attend the Enlisted NCO Leadership schools (no, not an NCO yet, but on the list to attend). First one is 4 weeks... at some base, no one knows where. But, it's out there.

Always said, when people asked how the Army was letting me spend the time with Ellicia... that when it was over, the Army would be waiting, and would come for me hot and heavy. And so it is... The Army has been waiting, and now, it's time to be a Soldier again.

Tired of battles...

Maybe some peace somewhere in the world would be nice.

One Month

It's been one month. None of this makes any sense to me.

Part of the day was routine and normal, as it always would have been.
Another part was aching with her absence.

And then there's parts where it's like she's not gone, and I almost expect to hear her voice at any moment. Maybe the phone will ring, or... I'll walk into the bedroom, and she'll be there. Or even that wonderful smile as she waits for me to help her with the bathroom...

Sigh.

One month. She's gone. Or, is she? I believe she's around. She did promise to haunt me.

I miss her.

Memorial Week (NASA)

This is the time of year when it's a time for memorials at NASA.

27 January is the anniversary of the Apollo/Saturn 204 fire tragedy. This was the first time that the program had lost astronauts in their vehicle. There they were, in the spacecraft, wearing spacesuits, and no one saw it coming. Forty years ago...

28 January is the anniversary of the Challenger accident. This was caught on TV and burned into our consciousness as a nation. Spaceflight was becoming routine... what could go wrong? Twenty-one years ago...

01 February is the anniversary of the Columbia loss. They were on their way home, and we all thought there was nothing that could go wrong. Four years ago...

Throughout history, the future is discovered by those bold enough to venture into the unknown. And sadly, throughout history, many of our lessons on how to venture safely are written in the blood of those who've gone before us.

And the most amazing thing about us is this: Everyone can see the blood spilled before; everyone can see the danger of the unknown (or sometimes the not knowing of the danger); And we STILL find people to venture into the unknown and to make the unknown known.

Which perhaps is the best Honor paid to those who've taught us where the dangers are... learning the lesson and moving forward.

Apollo/Saturn 204 ("Apollo 1")
Virgil "Gus" Grissom
Edward White, II
Roger Chaffee

STS-51L Challenger
Frances "Dick" Scobee
Michael J. Smith
Judith Resnick
Ellison Onizuka
Ronald E. McNair
Gregory Jarvis
Christa McAuliffe

STS-107 Columbia
Rick D. Husband
Willie McCool
Michael Anderson
Kalpana Chawla
David Brown
Laurel Clark
Ilan Ramon

A Star in the Heavens

An Angel sent me the most remarkable surprise. Seems she registered a Star in Ellicia's name. A package came from International Star Registry. Yes, I know, it's not "real". Hundreds of years from now, astronauts won't be navigating to the "Ellicia" Star system. But, it's very real, to me.

The constellation Orion was a special set of stars to us. Whenever we were separated, we'd always look out for Orion and feel connected to each other again. We always knew we'd be looking at the same set of stars.

Orion was also the first time I felt Ellicia. I had been so frustrated. It'd been either cloudy or a full moon the nights since she'd died. Felt truly lost not being able to see Orion. Disconnected.

And then, driving solo back to South Carolina to bury her... and it was still cloudy. Even rain. I talked to her the whole way down, and halfway through North Carolina, I was crying and screaming in frustration...

... and the clouds parted. I looked to my left, and immediately, the first stars I saw (and amazingly, the only stars) were Orion. I looked to my right, and felt a calm, and could almost see, and more or less sense, her sitting there, grinning back to me as she often would when we were on our frequent long drives (be it to travel or to go to a doctor). All felt right again.

And five minutes later, it was cloudy. And rainy. And I felt ok.

We'll always have Orion... and I can always look to the stars (especially the one named Ellicia) to guide me.

I miss you, Ellica. *

(And cloudy nights suck.)

Four Weeks

Today marks four weeks since Ellicia passed away. Wow, time seems to have both flown and stood still.

I'm not yet comfortable with things. I'm not comfortable, for example, with how smoothly some parts of life have resumed.

I'm not comfortable with the idea that there are parts of our life that already seem to be fuzzier and harder to remember. You know how it is, without a constant refreshing of the memory, it becomes less distinct.

I'm not comfortable. None of this feels right. Which is surprising since it was, in most respects, expected.

We knew this was coming. It was unavoidable. We thought we were prepared. And as she told me repeatedly, she knew she had the easy part.

I'm scared. In so many ways. Scared of the future. Scared of forgetting the past. Scared that I won't live up to her expectations of me. Scared I'll let her down.

I know she's around. I can't touch her, can't see her, but I feel her presence. That one is hard to explain, but for a cynic such as myself, I never feel silly talking to her, and showing her things going on.

We always said that her hospital stays and long bed rests were "practice" and "training". It wasn't enough. I can't imagine being properly prepared, but we somehow thought we were ready.

Sigh.

I wish there was a way to avoid all of this. I look back, and think back to when I was standing in my uniform at the altar. My Heart swelling and beating faster as the woman of my dreams and the Love of my Life walked down the aisle. She was BEAUTIFUL! And standing there, as we went through our vows, I admit, I never conceived that they'd be "tested" so soon.

Our marriage was sadly brief - only 2 and a half years. During that time, we were separated three months waiting for her to join me in Germany, six months for deployment, various weeks for field exercises, and then we had the thirteen and some months of dealing with Cancer. It certainly wasn't a "normal" marriage. It was filled with roller coaster rides up and down.

Never saw that coming. We always envisioned such a long life together. If anything, we figured that I would be the one to die early... being in the Army during this time of war. The odds were against me, surely, but not her.

I always saw a life with her, not without her.

This doesn't feel right at all.

I miss you, Ellicia.

The Upcoming Year

It scares me. Terrifying. Dread.

Part of what's bothering me is that all of the numbers are so low.

K's eighth birthday is Tuesday (the 23rd).

Valentine's Day... could be happy if it just didn't happen this year.

T's second birthday is in March.

Ellicia's fortieth birthday would be in May.

Our third anniversary was this year. (And I reread this post again, and was saddened. Sigh)

And M's fifth birthday comes in November (on Cancer day).

And then, there's Thanksgiving, Christmas without Mommy, and New Year's Eve (which will never be the same again.)

I'd like to just skip this year. Is that possible? Ellicia always told me that she had the easier path, and worried for me... She knew. Such Love.

Soldiers' Angels

Soldiers' Angels. This is a widespread, loosely-organized group of individuals representing a cross-strata of America (and beyond).

What do they do? They support the Soldiers. They do so with more than words or a yellow magnet (though those are appreciated). They don't do it for their own ego. In fact, SAngels will send care package after care package, without ever receiving, nor expecting, a response.

What perhaps makes SA so incredible, though is their persistence, adaptability, and seemingly unending desire and capablility to give.

I doubt you'll find many units that have deployed and not enjoyed the presence of a Soldiers' Angel watching over them.

As for me, my own experience with SA continues to boggle my comprehension and appreciation. SA came into my world when I was in Afghanistan. I'd heard of Soldiers' receiving care packages, and was pleasantly pleased when I began to reap the bennies as well. It was great!

But then, the most amazing thing began to occur... Soldiers' Angels began spread their wings over our family. One of the Angels heard how Ellicia was home with three children in Germany. And to our astonishment, Ellicia began to receive care packages. And the children, too!

(As they say on TV) But wait, there's more.

As readers of the blog know, I was brought home due to Ellicia's cancer. I was no longer in Afghanistan, and quite honestly, I no longer expected to hear from the SA. After all, there were troops STILL there and I wasn't.

Wrong.

Soldiers' Angels wrapped their wings around us ever closer.

Over the next year, the phenomenon continued. And expanded. In ways that astound me, SA would ensure that the children's birthdays were ok, down to party materials (being that Illesheim is not known for its vast shopping resources). Christmas, and all the days in between... SA never let up.

And now, in Virginia, after Ellicia's passing, surely now SA would find another Soldier?

No. I cannot begin to express my thanks to Soldiers' Angels. In these first few weeks, SA has sent flowers. SA has offered help, and then, more importantly backed away for a few weeks to give me time to sort things out. SA patiently waited. One of the Angels, who's been with me since Afghanistan, FLEW here for the weekend. The trip had originally been planned to visit both Ellicia and I, but it became something else.

And the Angels in Virginia even came around some more. One of the local Angels, whom I never met before, but suspet I'm going to get to know very well, offered her entire weekend to babysit the children so this Angel and I could visit together. Very kind.

And other Angels are waiting in the wings. Some just to talk, some to help unpack, some to teach me cook, and others in ways not yet discovered.

I suspect Soldiers' Angels will always be part of our life, and I can't think of anything better than to have Angels in one's life.



Soldiers' Angels... they don't receive enough thanks, attention, and kudos. And they don't seek it, which makes them even more remarkable.

I look forward to one day being in a position to pay this forward. Until then, please, support the Soldiers' Angels. They are remarkable and deserving, and you'll never hear them brag about it.

Beaufort National Cemetery

Beaufort National Cemetery is a beautiful place.

I remember it from when I was a kid. I used to go to Beaufort, SC often to visit my grandmother who lived there.

Beaufort is a quiet town, going back a few hundred years. The cemetary goes back to the War Between the States.

It's small, certainly no Arlington, but distinguished by its solemnity and peacefulness.

There's a wonderful touch of Old World to it... oak trees, cypresses... is beautiful.

More Pictures from Visitation

As you'll recall from the header, this site is first off, a diary. So, please bear with me while I save some more pictures from the visitation. Some are of Ellicia in her coffin, and may be uncomfortable for some to view.

These pictures show the layout of the visitation. It was a very long room, and Ellicia was at the far end of it. Around the room, we placed the posters of Ellicia and they guided towards the casket. Around the casket, we placed the flowers that were there.

The flowers included flowers from my unit, from family, and flowers that Annette and I did... including the Asterisk. You can also see the three balloons from each of the kids - they said "I Love You" on them.

The flower in the shape of a heart is from the three kids and I. The one in the shape of a star is from Annette. And Annette chose the casket spray.

Memorial to SGT Ross

When I was in Afghanistan, we lost a chopper and we lost someone from our unit. In the post I wrote at the time, I referred to Fred. Well, "Fred" was SGT Ken Ross I called him "Fred" due to OpSec, but he was a friend..

SGT Ross had been attached into our unit from a sister unit. When he died, his original unit didn't do anything for them (perhaps because their base was closing, but still...).

Some very fine folks in my unit at Illesheim did a wonderful thing. They ensured that a memorial was done for SGT Ross. It is the nicest memorial on the base, nestled with many others in the base's memorial park.

The day before we flew, I took some time to stop by the memorial, and give SGT Ross one last salute. I also took some pictures of the memorial.

(By the way... if you look super closely at the first picture, you can see Ellicia sitting in the car waiting for me. That was our BMW that we had in Germany.)

Cancer Deaths Drop for 2nd Straight Year

Excellent news! We must continue our fight against this disease.

Do you know what struck me the most about this article? It wasn't the drop, nor the tinge of regret that it'd dropped and Ellicia isn't part of the drop.

The numbers.

Yes, the decrease was 3,014 fewer deaths than the previous year. But worse, we're averaging over half a million men, women, and children dying to this disease in its various forms.

Half a million. Each year.

Think about it.

Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation - Donate Today (They have a memorials page)

American Cancer Society - There are many forms of cancer.

The Children Say Goodbye

I have some pictures of when T and M said their good-byes to Mommy.

There's not a whole lot to add to the pictures, but one thing.

T isn't really talking yet. He is a little behind the curve to begin with since he started the first few months of his life deaf. Factor in the humongous stress the family has been through, and it is understandable.

That said, you'll see in the bottom picture, where my Dad is holding him up... Dad is starting to lose it. The reason is: When T leaned in... he kissed E and then waved to her and said, "Bye-bye".

It brought tears to all of our eyes... so sweet... I don't think I'll ever forget T saying good-bye like that.

Children grasp more than we ever give them credit for.

Waggles

It's a little late, but I'd like to introduce Waggles.

Waggles was Ellicia's stuffed dog. She had Waggles ever since she was about four. Waggles went with her everywhere. It went with her in the car... when she went to college, Waggles went, too. When I met her, Waggles was there, though admittedly, up high away from the reach of Kira. And, at the hospital, Waggles would keep her company.

Waggles sat with her as she passed.

And, Waggles will keep her company forever.

It was hard to put Waggles into the casket, though. I had a whole week to spend with Waggles, and truthfully, Waggles was never far from me. Came with ME wherever I went. Was a tangible hold onto something that was undeniably Ellicia.

But, she had specifically asked. I remember, we'd talked before, and she'd always said, "No, Waggles should be kept somewhere safe." But, about a week before she died, I asked again what she wanted me to do with Waggles. She said she wanted Waggles with her. At which, Waggles then said, "Nooooooo, please don't make me go into the box! Please, please... I don't wanna go... It'll be daaaaarrrrrrrkkkkk." :)

Poor Waggles. Never was wild about the idea, but he went bravely into the box.

Miss Waggles.

In the pictures, you may even note the permanent crook in Waggles where she'd snuggled up with him for decades...