The Asterisk

The Asterisk

There was one particular flower arrangement at the funeral which was distinctive, and unusual. Had a few comments.

It was from me.

I had it specially done for Ellicia. And, at the end, when they placed the casket in the grave, I instructed that it be placed on top of the casket before the dirt was filled in. All other flowers were placed on the ground after the grave was redressed.

So, what was this arrangement?

Well, when ellicia and I first started what would become our relationship, it was through internet chat.

Some of you may know that, before Yahoo added all of the smileys and such, you could often show a kiss by:

*

Later on, when we were together, perhaps in public, or stressed, or just having a moment, we would trace the asterisk on the hand of the other. I can recall quite a few times when I might be stressed, and I'd feel her finger gently tracing the asterisk. When she was in the hospital, I'd trace it to her.

And, as she was dying and at her death, I traced it.

During the visitation, and when it was time to close the casket, I caught myself standing there, talking to others, holding her hand, tracing the asterisk.

The last time I touched the casket, I poured some dirt on the casket, and traced the asterisk in it.

It's even drawn on her head in magic marker (I'll explain in another post).

So, it was something special.

And the flowers?

The Memorial Video

For the funeral visitation, I had a video made. I knew that Ellicia's appearance in the coffin would be a shock, especially for people who'd not seen her in awhile.

I'd had six of the pictures blown up to poster size and placed around the room, to help balance and prepare for the coffin at the far end.

And on the exact opposite end as the coffin, there was a large tv playing the dvd of this video:

Obituaries: Updated

Previously, I'd posted the obituary list here. Well, "Stars & Stripes" finally printed E's obituary.

It's in the 14 January European Edition. It's page 36, in the Classifieds.

It's a tad late, but we wanted it in the "Stars & Stripes" since we'd spent so much time in Germany.

Readings at the Service

I'll fill in some more details later, but I want to get down the Bible verses that I had selected for the funeral service.

The service was Episcopalian, which is a fairly structured service. Of course, Ellicia and I must beg to be different. The way the service goes (like many churches), is that there's an Old Testament reading, a New Testament reading, and a Gospel reading.

Well, I had some verses in mind, and that were truly appropriate. Unfortunately, there were more verses than slots in the service. I inquired about doing extra readings, and they said, "Well, it's not normally done... in fact, can't recall it ever being done, but... sure."

So, here are the selections. I'm sure when you read them you'll recognize some of the reasons they were chosen. (All quotations are NIV version. You can click the link at the top or here for other versions.)

Isaiah 40:29-31

29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Revelation 7:13-17

13Then one of the elders asked me, "These in white robes—who are they, and where did they come from?"

14I answered, "Sir, you know."

And he said, "These are they who have come out of the great tribulation; they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb. 15Therefore,
"they are before the throne of God
and serve him day and night in his temple;
and he who sits on the throne will spread his tent over them.
16Never again will they hunger;
never again will they thirst.
The sun will not beat upon them,
nor any scorching heat.
17For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd;
he will lead them to springs of living water.
And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."

II Corinthians 4:16-5:7

16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Corinthians 5
Our Heavenly Dwelling
1Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. 2Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, 3because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. 4For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. 5Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

John 11:21-26

21"Lord," Martha said to Jesus, "if you had been here, my brother would not have died. 22But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask."

23Jesus said to her, "Your brother will rise again."

24Martha answered, "I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day."

25Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; 26and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?"

Grave Marker Inscription

Today was my deadline for customizing Ellicia's grave marker.

The VA provides a free marker. Being a government issued marker, it's very simple and plain. It will have her name, date of birth, "the Dash", and date of death. And her relationship to me.

I have a choice of religious symbol (easy choice) and an inscription.

The inscription can be fifteen characters. That includes spaces, symbols, whatever. Imagine your standard government form with the fifteen boxes.

I've said it to others, I truly never want to hear anyone complain about writing a speech or a term paper... Until you've tried to sum up someone's life in fifteen characters... it's amazingly difficult.

They give you some examples:

"Beloved Wife"
"Beloved Mother"
"Loved By All"
"I Did It My Way" (for Sinatra fans)
"Unforgettable" (Nat King Cole is represented as well)
"Gone Fishing" (don't ask)
"Gone Home"
you get the idea

Ellicia was a beloved wife, mother, and daughter. Hmmm, can't fit all that in 15 spaces. Was truly stumped. Because, as much as we often say, "... well, it's not set in stone...", THIS would be.

And yesterday, it hit me. Hard. And I chewed it around some, and decided it'd work.

TREASURED LOVE

It works. On many levels.

Ellicia treasured love.
Ellicia WAS a treasured love.
Ellicia's love WAS treasured.
And so on.

Perfect.

A lifetime in fifteen characters.

Amazing Poem

This was sent to me:

When I thought I had your heart to keep forever.
(Forever)
Now I live with how it is, nothing lasts, never.
(Never)
I'm never in a place with too much time, try to leave my troubles far behind.
Everything I did, I did for you.
Now there's nothing left for me to do.
I'm never gonna fall in love again, the way I love you.

You know it's so damn hard letting go...

Standing here, holding my heart in my hands
Yes, I am...
Trying to live every day the best I can.
You know it's so damn hard letting go...of you.

Every day's a brand new start of a pain never ending.
(Never ending)
I can't erase this lonely heart that keeps on remembering.
(Remembering)
Every day I live, I live with you, and with all the things we'll never do.
Heaven holds a place for souls like mine.
Try to leave my troubled past behind.

You know it's so damn hard letting go...

Standing here, holding my heart in my hands
Yes, I am...
Trying to live every day the best I can.
You know it's so damn hard letting go (so damn hard letting go)
You know it's so damn hard letting go...of you.

Wow. Perfect. You can listen to it here.

Funeral

I've had a few requests for details on the funeral.

It's coming. Since this blog does serve as my diary, I want to ensure I get it right when I write it down...

So, soon...

I will say that it was an amazingly beautiful service. And we continue to be blessed...

Digital Comfort, Digital Memories

I introduced my mother-in-law to the blog today. She's known of it for some time, but she lacks her own computer (which had been frustrating when we lived so far away - Yahoo! Messenger is so nice long distance).

I brought her to the local public library. We sat down, and I told her... I would like to show you what the World thinks of your daughter.

Nice words and condolences are often easily expected from family and close friends, but... it's becoming clearer to me (as certain ones of you beat it into me) that Ellicia's story, courage, strength, and perseverance reached and touched one or two of you out there.

She saw the sixty-six page print-out of comments from the Pain, No More post. It was rolled up, tied with a bow, and placed in the casket with Ellicia.

But, she'd not read them. I had told her a synopsis of the wave of support, but still... she had not seen it.

As I write this, she is beside me... reading, remembering, and drawing comfort and strength.

Digital comfort, Digital memories, no less real.

Thank you, all of you...

People of Character

We've been blessed to come to know many people through our journey. I'd like to refer you to one, in particular, Mary*Ann.

I am humbled by how she has chosen to express her sympathy for our family and her admiration for Ellicia.

Please look here.

Thank you, M*A.


(And to all of you in the BBB, the flowers are beautiful, sweet, and appreciated.)

Lovely Poem Sent to Me

"While Waiting for Thee"

Don't weep at my grave,
For I am not there,
I've a date with a butterfly
To dance in the air.
I'll be singing in the sunshine,
Wild and free,
Playing tag with the wind,
While I'm waiting for thee.


(If this is copyrighted, I apologize...)

Finding the Online Obituaries

As we move on, the online obituaries are starting to take a little searching to find. So, here is a link:

Charleston Post & Courier

The funeral home website doesn't have a link, but she's still showing under the current listings.

FYI.

Saw Ellicia

I saw Ellicia for the first time today. First time since she'd died and they'd wheeled her away.

Was nervous. But, went right up to her...

She was covered in a sheet (up to her neck) because they didn't have clothes yet. The clothes I'd brought, even though she'd recently worn them, didn't fit anymore. I'd gone shopping for her, and selected a few outfits. (As an aside, Ellicia and I enjoyed doing clothes shopping, but men, I have to tell you... if you think clothes shopping is difficult, it's really hard when she can't try them on. Takes a lot of imagination.)

I think it's a beautiful outfit, and she'll look lovely in it.

Anyway, I was there today to let her father come to visit. Ellicia and her father had been estranged for the better part of 34 years. The reasons why are long gone and best forgotten. He'd sent an e-mail a few weeks ago reaching out to her. He'd learned of her troubles. She had a chance to read the e-mail, but... we never got to respond to it. But, I knew she wanted to.

So, he discovered the blog (handy thing, this is, no?). And when I posted that she'd died... well, he contacted the funeral home about being able to see her without causing a disruption. Classy, I think.

So, we arranged a time when he could come. The past is past, and I think a father should be able to say goodbye to his daughter.

It was very touching. I was worried because the last he'd seen her was when she was 5 and now... after the cancer... the look could be shocking. But, a father's love is undying, and he came to say goodbye. Gave her a kiss. And I felt bad for his loss. He'd lost his daughter... twice.



I'm really impressed with the amazing work of the funeral home. The funeral director had intimated to me that he and the staff had been truly shocked when they'd received her body. He said they thought that there'd been a horrible mistake, that the wrong body had been sent. He'd been worried that they wouldn't be able to do much as the cancer had ravaged her body so horribly.

I reassured him in this way. A week before she'd passed, Ellicia had said that she was looking forward to leaving the house and getting a chance to look pretty again. She hated how the mirror image looked. I told him, "She looks pretty again."

And she does.

Does she look the same as in some of the pictures in earlier posts? No. But, her beauty has always come from deeper than her skin. Her twinkling eyes, beaming smile, and the energy oozing from her... all made her very beautiful. And when I saw her lying there... her eyes may have been closed, and her mouth frozen, and the energy has left her body - but the beauty was still there. The peace with which she'd died... She's pretty again.

Obituaries

The obituaries are starting to appear.

She's listed on the Stuhr funeral home website and the Charleston Post & Courier, so far.

And, also here:
S, E Entered into eternal rest on December 31, 2006 in Virginia, E R T S, wife of W R S, Jr. Residence, Newport News, VA. Relatives and friends of Mr. and Mrs. W S, Jr. are invited to attend the funeral services of the latter in Old St. Andrews Episcopal Church, Monday, January 8, 2007 at Ten O'clock. Interment, Beaufort National Cemetery, Monday at One O'clock. Friends may call at J. HENRY STUHR, INC.,WEST ASHLEY CHAPEL, Sunday from Five until Seven O'clock. E was born in Summerville, SC, May 2, 1967, the daughter of A Tyler. She received undergraduate and graduate degrees from the College of Charleston. E was a supportive military wife and actively involved in support roles for our Armed Forces. Surviving are her mother of Charleston, SC; her husband of Newport News, VA.; 2 daughters, K N Y and M C S both of Newport News, VA.; son, T R S of Newport News, VA. In lieu of flowers, memorials may be made to the Susan G. Komen Foundation, 69 Barre Street, Charleston, SC 29401. Visit our guestbook at www.charleston.net/deaths.

Blog Tip

Some have asked for more info about Ellicia's story. I have gone through the messages and tried to find some relevant posts. If you scroll down, on the right side, you'll come to a section called Labels. There, I've placed about 68 or so "Ellicia" posts.

Now, keep in mind, these aren't all of the posts that are at all related to Ellicia. I'm still working on labels, but these are the most relevant.

In the archives, still unlabeled, are plenty of Ellicia posts...

And as I have time, and browse through, I'll label those, too.

Please, enjoy reading and sharing her joy of life and determination to fight and win against this disease... so proud of her!

More Funeral Information

The Visitation will be held at Stuhr Funeral Home's West Ashley location on Sunday from 5 pm to 7 pm.

The Funeral service will be at Old Saint Andrew's Church at 10 am on Monday, the 8th.

And the burial will be at 1 pm in Beaufort National Cemetary.

Those of you who can attend, please come. Ellicia and I found many friends through the blog and net, and we would love to have you come as we lay her to rest.

If you have any questions, please feel free to drop a line on the blog, or you may e-mail me: sceagle1118 AT yahoo.com.

There was an earlier question about which Breast Cancer foundation. It has been suggested, and I'm recommending, the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. Please, help us find a cure to this horrible disease.

Thank you... your comments have been amazing. Late at night, when I can't sleep, I'm stunned by the number of sites that have linked to our story and by the messages you have left. Ellicia and I always thought of ourselves as "just us"... regular people, and to see the lives that she/we've touched... makes me very proud for her.

Ellicia In Pictures

Ellicia with Santa

As you may have read in my Dad's post, we had a visit with Santa.

In Germany, we never really got to visit Santa, so we really wanted to have the kids visit Santa.

We wanted to make it as much of a family event as possible, partly because we knew it'd be Ellicia's last Christmas.

On the 23rd, Ellicia was out of the hospital, my Dad was in town, her Mom was in town, and we had all of the kids. So, that evening, we loaded everyone up. We packed extra oxygen, put the wheelchair in the van, and loaded everyone into two cars. And off we went. It was around 1830, and the mall was packed with last minute shoppers. The line for Santa was about two hours long.

After a bit, the staff allowed us to move to the head of the line. The kids went through, and we had a wonderful time. They loved it. Ellica and I delighted in watching them.

Then, I went over to Santa, and asked if he would mind one more. I explained Ellicia's situation, and how we hoped maybe Santa had something special in his magical bag. He said he wasn't God (of course), but that he'd love to.

I walked over to Ellicia, and asked, "Would you like to visit with Santa?" Her eyes lit up and she said, "Yes!"

I wheeled her over, and then backed away. Keep in mind that there was a huge line of kids waiting for Santa... the staff disappeared, and Santa then spent about 10-15 minutes with Ellicia. I have no idea (and now, never will) what was said, but the looks on Ellicia's face were amazing. She truly looked like a little girl at Christmas, again. (Look at number 3).

After it was over, Santa got up and made some written notes... I wonder what her wrote?

It was a wonderful visit, and there really is a Santa. I thought I'd share this magical moment.

Initial Funeral Info

Many of you are interested in the funeral info... it's too early for many of the details, as I don't meet with the funeral home until Thursday.

Here's what I do know:

• She's flying from Norfolk to Charleston on Wednesday. I'm going to the airport with her to see her off.
• The funeral is being handled by J. Henry Stuhr Funeral Homes, 3360 Glenn McConnell Parkway, Charleston, SC
• In lieu of flowers, I'm asking that donations be made to a good and reputable breast cancer foundation. While Ellicia loves flowers, and would certainly appreciate them, I think we can best be served by trying to defeat this cursed disease before it kills too many more wonderful people.
• The service will be at Old St. Andrew's Church in Charleston, SC. It's not our home church, as we're really without one, but it's beautiful, and Ellicia would like it.
• Ellicia wishes to be buried next to me. As I have no home cemetary or family plot, I've decided to be buried in a National Cemetary. Beaufort, SC is the closest National Cemetary to our families and homes in South Carolina, so that is where she'll rest until I finally join her. I like to think that until then, all of my "buddies" will keep watch over her.
• We will do the services on Monday. I do not have times yet.

I want to thank all of you for your wonderful comments. I cannot respond to each of you, but I wish I could. As this site, particularly her post has turned into a virtual funeral register, I intend to print all of your thoughts and comments and tuck them into her casket to be with her. The support for her (and us) from literally around the world has been astounding and she was always amazed and comforted by it... and I want it to stay with her.

Thank you, all.

Messages for Mommy

Tonight, we sent messages to Mommy. It was originally an idea by the children's counselor to help them grieve, but...

I added a message, and so did Marmee.

All of us (except Thomas, who can't write yet) wrote short messages to Mommy, and we tied them to balloons.

Then, we went out on the back deck and launched the balloons up into the sky... and we hope Mommy will get them and read them.

It's a nice idea...

(and part of me really is hoping she'll see the messages.)

Post From My Dad

I'd meant to post this before... but, there had been little time for blogging. My Dad wrote this to share some of what had been missing since I'd not updated the blog.

I'm including it as written. My Dad has never been one for correct spellings, or such. Writing for him has always been a chore. So, when he sent this, I was moved just that he wrote it. Here it is:

Well The Stanleys have been ultra busy - Since traveling accross the pond from
Germany to Charleston SC on November 22 - They had Thanksgiving then Sunday they
rented a van to go to Virginia. Kinda like in the fronteir days where the family
packed up the wagon with all they had an off to a new land. The Army put them in
a Hotel and Reid was off to making lots of arrangements - Contacting his new
command , finding transportation (his vehicle is on a ship somewhere) and
finding a place to live - the choices were very very slim as Ellicia condition
had declined - taking 4 steps is a major task. Ellicia was hospitalized and
allowed to come home a few days prior to Christmas. I was worried about there
being a Christmas so a week ago i took up a live tree and decorated it (it did
not win any awards0. The niighbors have been wonderful The days have really been
long for Reid taking care of little ones and wife. So I went back up this friday
and knowing that a extended diet on McDonalds had to stop - I was able to get a
friend to cook a few dishes - I guess the habit of McDonalds was hard to change
as when lunch time came Reid said how about Peanut butter swamage -I said no I
want real food and it was wonderful. In a week - the Sergents have helped -
Realitor has helped and the Elks club has helped with food for the house - some
furniture (they had none) and helped with lots of wonderful gifts for Christmas
- I mean lots - Saturday Ellicia's mom was able to make it up so that afternoon
we loaded 2 cars and off to the Mall to see Santa - not a easy undertaking -
Ellicia has to have oxygen all the time and is in a wheel chair - the line was
long - the kids eyes wide open with anticaption to see Santa. Santa was
wonderful - they allow them head of line privelage after about 30 min wait.
After each child talked with Santa - after Santa fihished with the kids - Santa
got out of his chair walked over to Ellicia -knelt down on one leg and Talked
with her alone - I dont know what they said to each other - the smile on her
face was like a little child - so for a moment in time there was some normalice
- but there is a Santa!! From a parent - very concerned about his son and family
- I can not express in words the kindness and love each of you have desplayed
for my son and family - I has gone a long long way to making a impossible
situation - bearable. Merry Christmas - Happy Honica
- Reid's dad