My diary. Join me as I, and my family, journey through the Storms of Life. From Afghanistan, to our battle with Cancer, to the battles still to come, as we face Tomorrow.
Dedicated to my Loves
04 May 2006
Do You Ever Wonder...
If you're a bad parent? Maybe it's not the child... maybe it's me?
5 comments:
Anonymous
said...
Hey, suck it up there Soldier!
Every parent has probably wondered that. But the truth is that kids are a crap shoot. Regardless of what my mother in law thinks, babies are not blank clay that you mold into whatever you want them to be. You know that....they come into this world with personalities. Some of them much stronger personalities (more agreable) than others. In this case you have to take the "keep on keepin on" attitude of nothing but victory....complete the mission. No matter how grey your hair or how bad the ulcers :-)
You've all gone through a really difficult year. You understand it better than the kids...no matter what she tells you when you're having a heart to heart, there's probably lots of stuff (scary stuff) that she can't verbalize. Hang in there.
What I have learnt from successfully raising four. For a start, every child is different, their own personality - born with it. All you can do is try to set the limits - note I said try. From experience I know this is hard when for instance in our case, 3 abided by the set guidelines but 1 chose to test us to the limit and beyond...I did find one thing though that may help - what they are doing is to try and get attention...so IF you can both ignore everything that this one does wrong and really make a fuss so to speak of her when she does something good - I know this appears very hard on the others, because they get into trouble if they do wrong and this one doesn't etc but it does work but takes time. Many a time we felt just like you do now...what have we done wrong etc...but hey Reid...like us, we had only 1 out of 4 rebeling, therefore we had to have been doing something right. There were many years I wondered if our rebellious one of the 4 would ever make it, he tried, he tested, he did everything imaginable and beyond to make life hell for us his parents and his sisters and brother....but he finally turned the right direction, since finding his loving wife who he allowed to help him find faith in God and is now a practicing "Born Again Christian" after having been bought up Catholic (another of his rebellions with us) and now is such a proud father to his baby daughter (he does also have a 7 yr old son from a previous failed marriage). He is still totally different to the other 3 but that is him, and as long as he is happy within and does the right thing, we are happy also - we used to think he would have no future.
You know who I am talking about Reid, so if you want to email him just let me know and I will forward you his email...he may give you an insite into why they rebel or from experience what you could do or should not do...something he would never let us know as a child but now he is more open and does anything to stop other children repeating what he did and has even said he wishes he had not have done it but that's the life he chose. Lack of maturity also has a lot to do with it.
Reid I also have to add, this country counter reminds me of the olympics medal tally ..and Australia is running third .... which is great for a country the approximate size of USA in area but with such a small population (about 20 million all up). Les & Colleen
Being human, we all feel that way sometimes. Children don't come with instructions and we aren't miraculously transformed into perfect parents when a child is born. Most of us just try to do the best we can and hope for the best. Try not to take that Guilt trip, you'll have many more opportunities for that trip before you're dead and gone.
I tend to think that Mary*Ann has the right idea of what is causing the misbehavior and although it may drive you crazy before it ebbs, once her fear is allayed, things might improve. Since each child is so different, there's just not a "one size fits all" solution. Just hang in there & don't beat yourself up.
A wise therapist once told me "You did the best you could with what you had at the time you were in." That is all you can ever do. Just as long as you can one day look back and say that you two did all you knew how to do. By the time they start walking, their lives are no longer completely within your control. It is the same with personalities. There are many factors playing on this child's life; you keep doing the best you can to provide good example and good guidance; the rest is left up to the maturing child and God. Been there!
5 comments:
Hey, suck it up there Soldier!
Every parent has probably wondered that. But the truth is that kids are a crap shoot. Regardless of what my mother in law thinks, babies are not blank clay that you mold into whatever you want them to be. You know that....they come into this world with personalities. Some of them much stronger personalities (more agreable) than others. In this case you have to take the "keep on keepin on" attitude of nothing but victory....complete the mission. No matter how grey your hair or how bad the ulcers :-)
You've all gone through a really difficult year. You understand it better than the kids...no matter what she tells you when you're having a heart to heart, there's probably lots of stuff (scary stuff) that she can't verbalize. Hang in there.
What I have learnt from successfully raising four. For a start, every child is different, their own personality - born with it. All you can do is try to set the limits - note I said try. From experience I know this is hard when for instance in our case, 3 abided by the set guidelines but 1 chose to test us to the limit and beyond...I did find one thing though that may help - what they are doing is to try and get attention...so IF you can both ignore everything that this one does wrong and really make a fuss so to speak of her when she does something good - I know this appears very hard on the others, because they get into trouble if they do wrong and this one doesn't etc but it does work but takes time. Many a time we felt just like you do now...what have we done wrong etc...but hey Reid...like us, we had only 1 out of 4 rebeling, therefore we had to have been doing something right. There were many years I wondered if our rebellious one of the 4 would ever make it, he tried, he tested, he did everything imaginable and beyond to make life hell for us his parents and his sisters and brother....but he finally turned the right direction, since finding his loving wife who he allowed to help him find faith in God and is now a practicing "Born Again Christian" after having been bought up Catholic (another of his rebellions with us) and now is such a proud father to his baby daughter (he does also have a 7 yr old son from a previous failed marriage). He is still totally different to the other 3 but that is him, and as long as he is happy within and does the right thing, we are happy also - we used to think he would have no future.
You know who I am talking about Reid, so if you want to email him just let me know and I will forward you his email...he may give you an insite into why they rebel or from experience what you could do or should not do...something he would never let us know as a child but now he is more open and does anything to stop other children repeating what he did and has even said he wishes he had not have done it but that's the life he chose. Lack of maturity also has a lot to do with it.
Cheer up,
Les & Colleen
Reid I also have to add, this country counter reminds me of the olympics medal tally ..and Australia is running third .... which is great for a country the approximate size of USA in area but with such a small population (about 20 million all up).
Les & Colleen
Being human, we all feel that way sometimes. Children don't come with instructions and we aren't miraculously transformed into perfect parents when a child is born. Most of us just try to do the best we can and hope for the best. Try not to take that Guilt trip, you'll have many more opportunities for that trip before you're dead and gone.
I tend to think that Mary*Ann has the right idea of what is causing the misbehavior and although it may drive you crazy before it ebbs, once her fear is allayed, things might improve. Since each child is so different, there's just not a "one size fits all" solution. Just hang in there & don't beat yourself up.
A wise therapist once told me "You did the best you could with what you had at the time you were in." That is all you can ever do. Just as long as you can one day look back and say that you two did all you knew how to do. By the time they start walking, their lives are no longer completely within your control. It is the same with personalities. There are many factors playing on this child's life; you keep doing the best you can to provide good example and good guidance; the rest is left up to the maturing child and God.
Been there!
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