I remember coming home on R&R... and feeling naked without my rifle. I even recall looking for it before leaving the house. Easily explained, though... I was home for only 15 days. I can understand that.
I've been home from Afghanistan for nearly four months (wow!). Certainly, by now, I'm better than this.
Last night, I heard (and felt) a large explosion. I'm comfortably in my living room, surfing, answering e-mails, watching TV, and feeling exhausted. And then... an explosion.
Instantly, I found myself... transformed(?)
My pulse jumped, my mind started racing:
- What was that? (Explosion!)
- Was it close? (Sounded like it.)
- Where's the closest bunker? (There's NOT one!!! Yikes...)
- Ok, protective gear? (Afghanistan... no good.)
- Is there another explosion? Secondary explosion? Shrapnel? (Nothing yet)
- Are the sirens going to sound? Where do I go? What about the family? (Does this base even have sirens?)
It was at this point that another part of the mind caught up and reminded myself that I'm in Illesheim... I have a visual image of one guy running through the hallways of my mind, catching up to guy #1, and shaking him around a bit.
I think I sat still, alert, for a good five minutes... waiting. Not sure what I was waiting for.
And it's been running through my head since then.
I thought I was better than this.
8 comments:
Understandable, good training (Pavlov or not), but the question is, did you ever find out what the explosion was?
Hey! I jump big-time at any loud noise & I've never even been to Afghanistan! My thoughts are certainly not as organized as yours - I just jump & say a really loud ugly word.
I'd think the combo of Afghanistan and the stress of your current situation would make yours a natural reaction.
It's not about being better than that. It's that you have been taught what to do in a certain situation. That situation has happened twice, and you know what it is to be afraid. It is possible that you will always react that way. My father never flew again because the sound of the planes reminded him of the bombs in Australia and New Guinea where he was stationed with the Red Cross in WW II.
You are definitely not alone. Just read this post earlier:
http://shepherdaway.blogspot.com/2006/03/im-home-america-this-place-is-awesome.html
As Calico's Mom said, it's not about being better. You've been through a major transition: from in combat and life in danger to "normalcy." Though life can be hectic, I can't imagine it's any comparison to being in combat.
Don't be so hard on yourself. If nothing else, talk to a guy from your unit. I would assume you'd share a lot in common in still adjusting.
Mike
I imagine I would have had a similar reaction - minus the bunker thought and protective gear. LOL.
TheJewelryLady
Missbirdlegs, I'm with you.
Reid, you're just fine. And as far as sirens go, if that base is old enough, I bet they still have some of the nuke-attack sirens hanging around somewhere...
War does take its toll in some way on everyone connected with it as you have found out - nothing to be ashamed of, it just goes to show that you are a normal human with feelings. If you need help coping as a result - ask for it, do not bottle it up within.
In case no one has told you lately - thanks for your contribution to world peace.
Les & Colleen
PTS can hit anyone for any reason.
Be good to yourself and make daily efforts to really "see" that you are at home now. (& btw move "the family" up a little on that "running thoughts" list now that you're with them.)
You might remember my story of working in the kitchen, spousal-unit having just returned from deployment, and when he walked up behind me unexpectedly, I whirled on him, knife in hand, ready to strike. When he was away, "I" was the CEO and palace guard.
If "I" had this much re-adjusting to do, you have to allow yourself a little slack (and rejoice that you did react). Too many people just ignore those "distant noises" because they've never known the price of freedom.
You're all in my prayers,
JS/West Ashley Chucktown, SC
Post a Comment