My Hardest Post

I've been working on this post for days. Typing it, deleting it, reworking it...

It's not gotten any easier.

I've had so much I've wanted to write, and quite frankly, it's just been too difficult to write this post, thus making the others not worth writing.


Prologue

The last few days of our leave, Leesh started having some real difficulties. Dizziness, walking, nausea, balance, numbness in arms and legs... all of these were problems she was having. We figured that she'd perhaps overdone it on the vacation, or twisted something. Either way, to be sure, I made an appointment for the first thing Monday after we got back (It meant being on the phone at 0400 in the States to do it, but it seemed important. I take no chances.)

We made our sojourn back to Germany (an ordeal I do not want to endure again anytime soon, thankyouverymuch...). Settled in... and on Monday (28 August), off she went to her appointment and I back to work.

The doc at our local clinic diagnosed it as a likely pinched nerve and several days rest and elevated foot would make things better.

Sounds reasonable, so we went with it.

Tuesday, we went to a previously scheduled appointment with our wonderful cancer doctor. Now, he wasn't aware of the developments during the leave, or since the last checkup, but he had gotten a heads-up through our liaison. Anyway, we did an examination...

I have had this recurring thought that I remember when Ellicia and I would sit and stare at the ultrasound displays, looking through the confusing swirls and shadows for the distinctive baby parts and looking for the movement and sharing the joy of the new life that we created and is growing inside her body. These days, we sit in the same type rooms, using the very same machines, staring at the same swirls... trying to make out the signs of the masses from the disease that is destroying her from the inside... hoping not to see anything, hoping with the same fervency that the doctor (who somehow knows what all those shapes and shadows are) will give us good news.

Anyway, we confirmed the tumor in her breast has returned, as we already knew - but now the Doc knows it, too. With this knowledge, we all quickly agreed that the smartest course of action would be to proceed to surgery the next week. It would be either a partial or full mastectomy, determined by some biopsy core samples he extracted that day, but irregardless, surgery would be needed. So, sometime Wednesday or Thursday the next week, we would have surgery.

It's the smartest choice, really. Go ahead and remove the source of the tumor. Obviously, it's come back, and it's smart to try to take it all off. Less risk of missing a cancer cell.

You see, the best analogy we've come up for cancer is that it's like Kudzu. If you don't kill each and every single cancer cell, then you haven't accomplished a thing.

Obviously, even though we'd all thought the cancer was gone through successful treatment, the re-emergence of the tumor means that it's not, nor was it ever, gone.



On Wednesday, Leesh was still feeling the effects of numbness, difficulty walking, nausea at all hours, and dizziness, so she went back to the clinic. Due to what we think of as the clinic's fear of making any further errors with her, the doctor this time referred her to a neurologist. Even though it's a busy time for the unit and I was really needed, we scheduled it for the next day... Thursday.


Thursday
After depositing the children at all the various points around post, we headed off to Nurenburg for our appointment. We figured we'd be there a couple of hours, some quick tests, and we'll be back home... even in time for me to go back to work. My uniform was in the back of the car, for this purpose.

We arrive and are quickly seen. We've brought all of our old x-rays, MRIs, and even her entire medical file. Believe it or not, we actually travel with these items now.

We went through just about every kind of test and machine that he had in his office. We tried coordination tests, tests like a Field Sobriety test, electrodes on her head, and even more ultrasounds. Ultrasounds of the head, neck, eyes, etc. And then, they did a new MRI.



The News

The doctor spoke very good English, and he told us that all of his tests had come out negative for any problems. And he believed that she really was having these problems. He showed us the MRI of her head. And then he showed us the tumors.

The breast cancer has metastisized to her brain. There are tumors in her brain. Brain cancer.

The neurologist contacted our cancer doctor, who was attending a cancer conference. He rescheduled the mastectomy to this Tuesday, with her checking-in to the hospital on Monday.

We drove home... numb, but with things we had to do.


Friday, we went back for more tests. We had x-rays, and another MRI, this time of the spine.

I suppose one sign of the seriousness was that when it was all over, we were sent back to the neurologist, where with a waiting room full of people, and us with no appointment, we were led directly into his office.

The news is this. There are eleven tumors in her brain. If you were to divide her brain into quadrants, then at least two of the tumors would be as large as the quadrant. There are also metastatic tumors in her lungs (again).

So, we have breast cancer, lung cancer, and brain cancer. And like the neurologist told us, while the situation is not hopeless, it is extremely serious. If we do nothing at all, she likely has no more than a few months.



What Now?

What now... That's the question we've been facing for the last several days. We've come to the acceptance that within a year, I'll likely be a single father. By acceptance, I don't mean to imply happiness or anything like that. More like many, many tears.

We have cried a lot. All of our hopes, dreams, and plans... well, those seem out the window now.

Everything we do now is seen through the prism of the cancer. Wondering what we can do to preserve her for the children. Crying over how young the children are and if they'll remember her.

It's been a long weekend. We're getting ready for her surgery.

My unit has been extremely supportive. My 1SG is amazing, and as my Commander spelled out to me, my place of duty is my family. The rest of the chain of command, likewise.

And now, we just try to go day by day.

A Moving Music Video

This was sent to me, and I'm glad I got it (Thanks, Katy). Seems quite a moving video.

I'm hoping this works so I can share it with you...

Pictures From the Air - 3

Waterfalls and a nice commemorative photo!

(The yellow bag belts are the emergency lifevests in the unlikely event of a water landing.)

 

More Pictures From the Air

From here, we can see lava as it flows, and eventually meets the ocean, forming new land...


 

Exploring Hawai'i - From the Air

But wait, that's not all. After our submarine journey, we drove to the other side of Hawai'i for the second part of our adventurous day.

Neither Ellicia nor I had ever been in a helicopter prior to this day. However, one of the best ways to explore the Big Island with its picturesque waterfalls and volcanoes is by helicopter.

So, we were off. We flew over the volcano and could see the lava running in rivers directly underneath the crust. We then went and watched the newest land on Earth being created as the lava flowed into the ocean, cooled, and hardened. The island was growing before our very eyes.

Next, we flew to a different side of the island to see waterfalls. The waterfalls are truly majestic as some are 2,000 ft. tall. The pilot maneuvered the helicopter in such a way that we were in the valley, land rising high above us, hovering with the waterfall seemingly right in front of us where we could touch it.

A truly inspiring experience. While there was some air sickness, it did not detract from the great time we had and we enjoyed the helicopter ride thoroughly.

Afterwards, we returned to the airport and flew back to Oahu and our hotel. What a day... what a day.

More Submarine Pictures

Note the depth gauge!

 

Exploring Hawai'i - Below the Seas

Today was a special day. We woke up super early (0300) and flew over to the Big Island. The airport in Kona was super quaint as it is completely open-air and not at all like most commercial airports we experience during our travels.

For the first part of the day, we were to take our very first submarine trip.
We would be on an Atlantis submarine. This is a real, honest-to-goodness submarine. It seats 50 people and goes out off-shore, and tours the underwater reefs for about an hour. It's lined with panoramic picture windows. For the duration of the trip, we sit there with our noses practically glued to the glass. We see pretty fish, the reefs, and the the beautiful blue of Hawai'ian water.

Finally, we end up sitting on the bottom of the ocean, 100 feet down. Ok, so it's not that deep, but... not often that we get to do such a thing, no? It was an amazing experience! It's difficult to put words to such a once-in-a-lifetime adventure. We highly recommend it.

 

Quiet Day of Relaxation

Today, we decided to take in... absolutely nothing. We stayed in the hotel and enjoyed the beach and surrounding areas.

We would often be frequented by one of these lovely fine-feathered folks. Isn't it cute?

In the evening, we had the pleasure of the Marine Band concert. What a treat! An open-air concert while we dined...
What a delight.

It was a great day and a wonderful way to spend a day in Hawai'i... 

Secluded Waterfalls in Hawai'i

We started off with our first tour - a tour of hidden and secluded waterfalls on Oahu. We went to beautiful state parks, and a waterfall (pictured here) that the local kids still use as a watering hole. With just a few steps, the city noises would disappear, and we were surrounded by tranquil sounds of nature.

Along the way, we saw a wedding, with a waterfall as the backdrop. We also went to an extremely windy overlook from where we could see several other islands.

It was an entrancing tour that required a bit of hiking, but also, because many people don't go for such tours (preferring the air-conditioned buses instead), we had a knowledgeable local tour guide practically to ourselves. Amazing... and so paradise-like. Certainly a nice start to our trip.


 

Trip For a Lifetime - The Beginning

Ellicia and I have taken off for a "Trip of a Lifetime". Sort of a reward for Afghanistan and Cancer.

First stop - Hawai'i. Thanks to the military, we have a beautiful hotel right on Waikiki. The Hale Koa is a military-only hotel on the grounds of the former Army Ft. Derussy. It is right next to the Hilton. I've included views from our hotel room. (We had an ocean-view room, looking out also onto the garden and pools, for only $129 per night. There are rooms as cheap as $60-70 per night! Not bad for Hawai'i!)

Anyway, here we are, and we're really looking forward to our adventure. Pretty tuckered out, but tomorrow is a wonderful day in paradise!  

Four Generations!

As part of our visit, we visited with Ellicia's mother ("Granny" now) and Grandmother (it's easier if we just keep her as "Grandmother", but she's the kids' Great-Grandmother).

Anyway, as you can see in this picture, we have four generations all together...

Amazing...

We're very pleased (look at that grin on the lady in the middle). 

Thomas' Baptism

Well, we all came back to the US this weekend. And we have some busy times planned. First off, we finally had Thomas baptized. We wanted to do this as a family event, and of course, had to wait to come back to do it. This is our best picture we have. Doesn't Thomas look fascinated by what's going on?

He was an angel... no complaints whatsoever...

We had all the kids there (Thank you to Kira's natural father for letting us have her back a day early), plus all of the grandparents, and even my aunts and uncles! Quite the gathering.

Very happy day...

Progress

Well, so far the eye surgery has been... mixed results. It takes up to six months, so I'm being patient. So far, my distant vision is great. My near vision is fine. The middle vision is still a bit fuzzy...

Still worth it, though.

Military Sacrifice and Evacuation of AmCiv from Lebanon

The military has been diligently evacuating 8,000+ American Civilians from Lebanon... anyone who wants to leave, essentially.

In addition to the Marines and supporting USN ships making the direct landings, there are also the supporting personnel involved with loading the chartered ships to Cyprus.

Now, here's a thought. From Cyprus, the evacuees are then being transported back to the US (main gateway is Baltimore.) In lieu of chartering an aircraft, the USAF diverted several C-17s and crews from their regularly scheduled supply missions of vital war materiel to OIF/OEF to Cyprus. These aircraft flew the evacuees from Cyprus to Ramstein where they received medical care, meals, and whatever else they needed.

Just a thought. While many people are griping about the supposed slow response of the US Government in evacuating them from a place they chose to go (because organizing an evacuation and security force from a hot war zone for possibly 25,000 people is something anyone can do overnight!)... many tonnes of vital war materiel was delayed as once again, the military put the citizens first.

Changes... A Little At A Time

Well, the surgery was Wednesday. What an interesting event.

They have it set up basically like a little factory... There were 13 of us there that day to be zapped. We started off in a conference room where we watched safety videos and had our eyes dialated. Then, we waited our turn. There was lots of typical military humor as we of course were all military... several different branches, and all ranks ranging from O-6 down to a private.

When it came time for me, I'll admit to being nervous. Partly because I wanted to make sure I did my part right. You have to remain absolutely still and stare at a red light during the whole procedure. Now, it only lasts between 15-75 seconds per eye, but that can be a long time to stare (although, it's helped by having an eye speculum prop your eyes open, it's still necessary not to blink). Then, you hear the laser start up, the doc holds you steady, and then...

A blue light comes in. It's the laser. You can smell the flesh of your eyeball being burned away. Slightly disconcerting. The red light gets harder to follow as your eye changes shape due to the laser. And then, it's over. Next eye.

After all that, you're sent home with a paper sack full of drugs (including Percocet!). At that very moment, you can already see better. No glasses. I could read the time off of a clock on the wall! I was very impressed. However, since my eyes were still dilated, I could NOT read my watch. Fortunately, we had a room a few hundred yards away, so no driving required.

The rest of the day, I just rested my eyes... Not much else to do. TV was an option to listen to.

The next morning, it was our first follow-up. I started off normal, but by the time I was there, I was in agony. "This is normal." Right. I was glad I'd extended our room reservation so we didn't have to travel. We spent the rest of the day chilling in the hotel.

Chilling wouldn't be quite descriptive as Europe was in the middle of a sweltering heat wave. 98 degrees at one point. Big deal? Well, Europe doesn't have A/C. It was a tad bit warm in the room.

Friday, we made our way back. I drove, albeit under less than capable conditions. E doesn't like to drive unless it's a flat-out emergency, so she co-piloted for me. I could see the road and vehicles fine. The navigation device and vehicle instrumentation was blind to me, though.

Over the past few days, it's slowly improved. As promised. However, it's still fluctating in its stability. Sometimes I can see some things clearly. Others, not so much. I take drops four times a day, plus some every half hour. I'll be doing this for the next six months.

This is all necessary as part of the eye surgery the military does. In the civilian world, most people have LASIK surgery. It allows a faster recovery time. In that procedure, a flap is cut from the cornea (eye ball), and a laser adjusts the inside of the eye, and then the flap is sealed back into place. The military only uses PRK surgery. This procedure changes the shape of the cornea by using the laser to burn off excess tissue. Why the difference? The military used LASIK, but then noticed that the flap would come loose during violent maneuvers. As you can imagine, this would be a very bad thing if you were in a tank, or worse, piloting an aircraft. So, the PRK method is the only one used now.




While we were there, we were able to fully enjoy the Ramstein area. It's just amazing. The BX there is TWO FLOORS! An entire floor devoted to clothing. Not a rug in sight! There's a whole concessionaire's mall, too. Everything, including fine crystal on sale. Plus every food outlet imaginable.

We stopped by the commissary, too. One of the biggest we've ever been in. It had a deli shop, a bakery, meat shop, and a HUGE fresh fruit and vegatable area. We went up and down the aisles trying our best not to do too many Homer Simpson drooling impressions. Just amazing.

The kids even had the opportunity to try out one of the base playgrounds. Massive, AND with playground equipment for kids Thomas' age. It was a blast. We did swings, slides, climbing, monkey bars, and lots of running around. Helped tire out the kiddies which in turn helps keep the parent sane.

One last bonus? Ramstein IS a USAF base, so there were lots of planes. Not that I could see many some times, but just the same, I really enjoyed being near them.

Of course, the facilities we were staying in were top-notch. Air Force Inns. Everything was very comfortable. Can't say enough positive.

So, this week, we go back for a one night trip to have another follow-up, and find out if I've healing the way I'm supposed to.

Eh.... What's Up, Doc?

Well, it's time.

Tomorrow, we're going to get another one of E's treatments, and while we're there, we're going to have her first three month test done.

We're excited, and not really expecting any issues.

From there, we're going straight off to Landstuhl. Yep, it's time to actually do it. Wednesday, they're going to laser my eyes and I'll get to start a whole new look on life.

Kinda nervous. During the pre-appointment last week, we went through all sorts of exams. Never had my eye so throughly documented. Even went in to the actual operating room, and the machine that does the laser also takes pictures. So, lay on the bed, and while the tech held my eyelids open with cotton swabs, they took pics of the eye. Then, had my eyeball mapped. The topography of the eyeball, all the hills and valleys. Amazing. Yep, got to look at it all, and no, have NO idea what I was seeing.

But, they say I should be able to achieve 20/20 if I follow the healing regimen... maybe even a hair more... can I dare dream of 20/19?

This is going to be strange. I've spent most of my life with my first waking thought being to grab my "eyes" from the spot near the bed, and the last being to take them off.

The plus side to this is the opportunity to visit Ramstein. The area is so much more than what we have... The enlisted club (ha! there's a concept) has a Chili's! They're building a shopping mall. Meanwhile, OUR PX has just recently discontinued selling clothes and shoes. They plan to stock up on rugs instead. We can hardly wait.

Even the playgrounds are amazing there.

And would you believe that you hear people complaining about the facilities? They live in the "lap of luxury" (militarily speaking), and they complain. Pffffft. Should come out to the boonies sometime.

Oh, and there is one other bonus. The planes!!! They're right there where you can almost touch them. That, and the history... the old hardened aircraft shelters from Cold War times are still there, used for various purposes.

It's like a pilgrimmage...

So, here's seeing a whole new world...

Fresh Look On Things

Well, preparing to head to Landstuhl (in the vicinity of the Ramstein - Kaiserslautern mega-military complex). Feels a lot like any ol' movie where the country bumpkins set out for the big city.

Landstuhl is known mostly for being the first stop of any casualty evac'd from the combat zones. However, it is also the main military medical facility for us folks here in Germany.

And I am headed there.

Going to have my eyes worked on and tomorrow is my first appointment. This time next week, I should be GLASSES-FREE!!!

Yippee!!!

More later...

Frustrating

I admit, this is frustrating... I have so much I want to post, and these days, less time. Usually, by the time I get to the computer, I have time to answer e-mails, or at least, clear out the Spam...

But, more forthcoming.

Promise.

Wonders of Technology

I am glad that we're blessed by technology...

I have been to many shuttle launches (pilgrimmages, if you will). Now that I'm in the Army, of course, my travel plans often take me elsewhere. From watching the launches live, to watching via satellite on my laptop in a folding chair in Afghanistan, to watching on TV & laptop in my home in Germany...

Just saying.

Most Beautiful Fireworks Display

Go, Discovery, Go!

She's flying beautifully. We watched the launch, enjoying our 4th of July fireworks display. It is so amazing to watch our shuttle once again grace the skies and fly into space. In just two days, she'll dock to the International Space Station, where it should be noted that there has been a continuous human presence in space for nearly six years.

May she have a safe flight and let's resume these launches, wrap up construction of the station, give the Shuttles the retirement they've earned, and soon, begin the Ares era... where we return to the Moon and journey onwards to Mars!

Happy 4th of July, America!