I've tried to ignore it, and not lend the spotlight to it this year, but the ol' countdown clock has been loud as ever. For those unfamiliar, the November and December time frame features prominently to me as most of the large landmarks of my wife's battle with cancer land during those two months. As I'm very in tune with Time, my mind naturally and subconsciously ticks away those markers for me.
This year has ironically provided a double-whammy. I've managed to line up a nearly eerie reenactment of that timeline. For one trying to keep the Clock quiet, I sure picked a strange way to do it.
In the Fall of 2006, we were in Germany, on our way to the States. In the Fall of 2012, we were in Germany, on our way to the States.
In November 2006, we left Germany. In November 2012, we left Germany.
In November 2006, we had a big Thanksgiving with family. In November 2012, we had a big Thanksgiving with family.
In December 2006, we set up home in Virginia. In December 2012, we set up home in Virginia.
The similarities continue.
And yet, there is a fundamental difference. The time line in 2006 was a march to an End, even if we didn't know it at the time. It is pockmarked with time landmarks and decision points that remind me of a report from an accident investigator. ("Here you can see where they made this decision", etc.)
I have a different feeling now. I feel poised on a New Hope and New Beginning. As I've tried to rebuild, and redesign my Life, and the children's, it's been chaos, and many fits and starts. I've tried A, I've tried B, I've tried C... there are times I feel I've run out of damned letters.
But, our family has kept trying. It's not been a roaring success in the past, and who knows, maybe this attempt won't work either. But, I feel full of Hope. I think this might just do it.
I have to try.
Meanwhile, my true friend M*A sent me this poem. I think it sums up the battle well:
I don't like
the memories
because the tears
come early,
and once again break
my promise
to myself for this day.
It's a constant battle.
A war between
remembering and forgetting.
Tomorrow is a new day, and the Clock will be silent once more. Today... well, It's Year Number Six, and it won't be the Last Year, but it's much better than the ones before.
